


Alter 3

by reilgun



Series: Fade [3]
Category: Parahumans Series - Wildbow
Genre: Child Abuse, Eating Disorders, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Original Character(s), Trans Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:54:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 31,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22296664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reilgun/pseuds/reilgun
Summary: Wowie, it's been quite a wild ride, huh? Welcome to the second cast page. Things have gotten pretty intense! Good to know that you can rely on these little fun pages to have 95% of the happiness in the series! Woohoo, now get on looking down there at some jokes of questionable quality.Thank you for reading.
Series: Fade [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1514456
Kudos: 7





	1. Alter 3.0 - Cast List

**Author's Note:**

> Wowie, it's been quite a wild ride, huh? Welcome to the second cast page. Things have gotten pretty intense! Good to know that you can rely on these little fun pages to have 95% of the happiness in the series! Woohoo, now get on looking down there at some jokes of questionable quality.
> 
> Thank you for reading.

**Ashley:** She didn’t even show up this arc. When will Best Girl come back from the war? Probably once she’s done with being a busy PRT helper.

 **Beth:** Quiet bully.

 **Blare:** Protectorate Tinker who makes sound-based equipment.

 **Boomer:** Rave enthusiast. Doesn’t have powers. He’s ok.

 **Boon/Andy Sinzel:** Tinker, leader of the Wards. His tech speeds up natural regeneration and provides steroid effects for physical and cognitive abilities. Trying his best. 

**Breaker:** Stranger of the Mixup Marshals. Appears to be a clone of whoever is looking at them. Very short, not a child.

 **Changer:** Mover of the Mixup Marshals. He’s got no limit on his speed, but can only go fast when touching living organic material. Turns out most organic material burns up if you go too fast.

 **Chimera:** Mini-Eidolon, super mysterious.

 **Conciliator:** Tinker who can disable/revert the effects of powers. Very expensive. Used to rely on Master for some reason.

 **David Walker:** THIS FUCKING DUDE DIDN’T EVEN SHOW UP IN ARC TWO WHAT THE HECK. COUNSELOR FROM HEAVEN, SKETCH AS FUCK!

 **Flicker:** Protectorate dork who got his fucking foot crushed, lmfao. He can manipulate light with his power, but he can’t manipulate his way into having a healthy psyche.

 **Forge:** Red Iron Tinker who makes turrets and numbing guns or some shit. Wild.

 **Jaunt:** Member of the Wards. Spends a minute as a big monster. Nice Guy but not the villain.

 **Magister:** Red Iron cape who can temporarily create ‘black holes.’ Apparently a dumbass.

 **????/Marie:** Who _is_ this mysterious Protectorate waifu? Oh fuck wait she’s actually getting married to Radar? Huh. Apparently her power shoots stuff faster than the planet.

 **Marionettist:** Member of the Wards. Controls arms with his arms, has to have line of sight and slowly loses control as it’s lost. The best boy.

 **Marissa:** Stupid bully.

 **Master:** Thinker leader of the Mixup Marshals, now disbanded. A real bad man, and not just because of his awful taste in outfits. Able to find the creative limits of people’s powers, as well as sensing those with powers from a relative distance.

 **Mixup Marshals:** No longer an organization of villains.

 **Mortar:** Gamer girl Wards member. She’s a human cannonball who can stick to walls, and she takes less damage the faster she’s moving. Aggro as fuck.

 **Mr. Green:** Riley’s dad. He’s a doctor and actually supportive, whoa!

 **Mr. Kelly:** Quinn’s dad. The worst.

 **Mr. Larson:** Social Studies teacher. A little bitch.

 **Mrs. Foster:** Cape Studies teacher. Has an annoying voice.

 **Mrs. Green:** Riley’s mom. Fuck off.

 **Ms. Holly:** Language Arts teacher.

 **Ms. Kelly:** Quinn’s mom. Does all of the drugs, but at least has time to do spooky night with her daughter.

 **Partition/Eddie:** Secondary leader of the Wards. Invulnerable to any damage he can perceive ahead of time, with faster reaction speed.

 **Pythia:** Protectorate precog Labyrinth. You’re welcome.

 **Quinn Kelly:** Oh noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

 **Radar/Carl:** Blind Protectorate member who relies on his power to see. He also has a lie detector times 100 and can fly. Less of a dick than he used to be, but still a bit of a dick. Engaged to Marie.

 **Red Iron:** A ruthless organization of villains whose base is public knowledge but they haven’t been taken out yet because they’re that spooky op.

 **Riley Green/Shift:** Being trans is hard. It’s hard and nobody understands.

 **Rue/Barb:** She’s a Wards member who hurts people by hurting herself, and she’s got a zipper mouth on her costume. Please be patient, I promise her costume is explained in this arc. Promise. Also yes her name is a rhubarb joke. 

**Sandra:** The only bully worth her shit. Still pissed about the pizza stain.

 **Shaker:** Brute of the Mixup Marshals. To quote my personal character list: “She can kick things so hard. So fucking hard. God damn.”

 **Specter Shy:** Member of the wards. Can only be seen when looking directly at her, and has some sort of power disruption. Kinda transphobic :\

 **Sprawler:** Some Protectorate member.

 **Striker:** Blaster of the Mixup Marshals. Shoots bright lasers. Radar thinks he’s in love with her or some shit, I don’t fucking know what’s up with that guy. She’s too good for this world, deserved better.

 **Stroke:** Red Iron. Big Threat.

 **Sudsmission:** Protectorate dork who uses fucking BUBBLES. Oh my fucking god. This loser can trap people in bubbles because that’s not goofy as fuck, definitely. Is she a whistleblower? Nah.

 **Trojan:** Protectorate member, a Breaker of some form. Able to deal with a Big Threat.

 **Trump:** Tinker of the Mixup Marshals. She makes very small copies of other Tinker tech.

 **Vincent Bugayong/Quaver:** Member of the Wards. His ability to warp space is linked to his voice, and ignores the Manton effect. Rifts created fade over time. Has less control the louder he goes. A good boy.


	2. Alter 3.1

David’s office was as comforting as ever; a nice respite from the mundane suffering most of school was.  _ Hell is not merely other people, but rather those who willingly walk the halls of high school. _ His little section of the building almost felt like it was disconnected from the rest of the world, on the other end of a portal to a better place.

“So I’m _ dating _ someone,” I said, taking a seat. After a moment, David looked up at me from some paperwork.

“First you get a new friend, now this? Good job, Quinn.”

“Yeah, and she’s  _ super  _ cute.”

“She?” He seemed somewhat surprised, but there wasn’t a hint of repulsion. The thought churned in his head for a moment. “Well, congratulations. I’m just shocked you never told me about your preferences before, with how often we talk.”

“Only found out a little bit ago.” I shrugged. “I didn’t think it was worth mentioning until.. you know.”

“I do. Even still, it’s quite a revelation. I’m proud of you for figuring out something so monumental about yourself. I know introspection hasn’t always been the easiest for you.”

“Heh, you could say that. I don’t know, this wasn’t that hard. I just avoided it for so long, but then once I actually started thinking about it, it became just  _ so _ obvious.”

“Well, I’m glad it wasn’t too much of a challenge. If you need any help finding support groups or anything..?” He left the question open as he leaned over and put his hand on one of the desk drawers.

“Yeah, uh, no. Call me a bitch, but I don’t really want to sit in a circle and talk about my lesbo feelings with a bunch of random losers. I’m sure that works for some people, though I’ve got no idea  _ who, _ but not for me.”

“Fair enough.” He sat back in his chair and held his hands over his stomach. “Do you want to talk with  _ me _ about your.. ‘lesbo feelings’?”

“Of course, why would I bring it up otherwise?” I gave him a wink - something the ‘straight’ Quinn would never have been comfortable with.  _ Barb’s really rubbing off on me, huh? _ “Anyways, yeah, so she’s kind of a bitch.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, but in the same kind of way I am, you know? We’re working things out, finding a rhythm of sorts. It’s very chill, I like it. I don’t know if all relationships are like this - probably not - but it’s nice. A good first, I’d say.”

“Well, as long as you’re being safe.”

“Absolutely.”  _ If you count everything that one would define as unsafe as safe.  _ “We haven’t even kissed yet, it’s totally PG.”

“I’ll take your word for it.” He smirked. “We can come back to this if you’d like, but it would be irresponsible of me not to bring you up to speed on the state of the plan.”

“Ah, yes, the plan. Your mysterious super secret checklist that will supposedly  _ magically _ fix everything.” I waved my fingers around to emphasize the ridiculousness of it all. “The one that I’m not allowed to know anything about. Unless that’s changed?”

“Unfortunately not, and I wish you’d stop pestering me about it. I’ll tell you when it’s safe to.”  _ More accurately, when the threat of me finding out on my own outweighs the risk in telling me up front. _ “No, I just want to fill you in on how things are going. I’m sure you’ve already noticed the reduction in harassment..?”

“Now that you mention it, yeah, I guess there has been notably less stupid bully shit the past couple days.”

“Good, good. Should things go well, we might be able to see it come to a complete stop.”

“You’re not blackmailing them, right? No plans for murder?” He hesitated for longer than he should have, his expression turning dark.

“No.” The tone of the room had shifted to discomfort in just a moment.  _ Shit, are you using my gossip to fuck with them? There’s no way you’re a murderer, that.. You’re not exactly blackmailing them, I’d guess, but something close enough that you have to ponder it? _ “Quinn, I’m kidding. Of course I’m not doing that.” He smiled playfully, and everything went back to how it had been. I found myself a bit unsettled by how quickly I’d fallen into those thoughts.

“Right.”  _ Pull it together, don’t be paranoid.  _ I shook my head, discarding the worries. “Right, sorry. Spooked myself there, I guess.” A laugh left my mouth, but it didn’t feel like my own.  _ Distract yourself. _ “Anyways, uh, yeah. That’s great, let’s.. talk about Barb some more, though, before I do something stupid.”

“Alright.” His concern was clear, but he was always willing to go along with my shit. “Her name’s Barb, then?”

“Oh, yeah, I guess I hadn’t even told you. Yeah, Barb.” We talked on and on for who knows how long, and my mental state eventually reached an okay point. One day I’d need to know what David was up to, but I could wait for now. I had more important things to think about.

* * *

Anxiety wasn’t a common descriptor of my mood. Paranoia, dread, or fear were much more familiar to me. As I sat in the living room of the house I was increasingly finding difficult to call ‘mine,’ waiting for my girlfriend to arrive,  _ anxiety _ was all I felt. Minutes ticked away faster than seconds. Moments dragged on for ages, yet never seemed to be fully experienced. I knew I was thinking of various topics, but conscious thought forced the details away from me. Traces of  _ something _ cluttering my mind..

A series of knocks brought some much needed relief and clarity. After a quick look at the clock -  _ Only six minutes? Really? _ \- I ran over to the door. I very nearly swung it open without hesitation, but halfway through unlocking it I was overcome with a desperate  _ need _ to look through the peephole. It was her. She knocked again, but I interrupted her halfway.

“Hey Civvy,” she teased.

“Oh, fuck you.” She winked and let herself in, leaving me to close the door behind her. “Whatever, anyways, this is my dad’s shithole. Touching is fine, but don’t  _ move _ anything, okay? Best he doesn’t know we were ever here.” She plopped down on the couch and took out her phone, then tossed her bag on the floor. Static ran through me at the knowledge of what was contained inside. Barb didn’t seem to notice my reaction, or maybe she just didn’t care.

“What, is he an asshole? We could’ve just chilled at my place, you know. My parents don’t give a shit.” I approached the couch at a pace slow enough that it would’ve made anyone else curious as to what the fuck was wrong with me, but Barb didn’t bat an eye.

“I guess I just wanted to be alone.”  _ Not to mention that it’d be a nightmare to meet your parents when I’m just your powerless pity partner. _ I took a seat on the opposite end of the couch as she threw her phone onto her bag.

“So he  _ is _ an asshole?”

“He’s” - flash of red, pain, hate - “fine.” I cut off our eye contact and hoped she didn’t notice the moment of stilted vulnerability. She leaned forward.

“What, he hurt you?”  _ Of course  _ now _ she’s curious. _ My own silence betrayed me. “Shit, you realize that makes your request  _ way  _ more fucked up, right?” My eyes glanced at the bag uncontrollably before I forced them to the wall. “I thought it was just some kinky shit. I know that shit’s often connected but  _ damn-” _

“It’s not,” I spat out through gritted teeth. “It’s not connected, it’s not about him. Don’t make it about him.”

“Shit, should we even be here?” She picked her phone back up and got ready to call someone.

“Stop!” She did, but not without giving me a harsh look. “It’s fine, he doesn’t come home for hours.” With a sigh, she put it down on the table next to her to keep it close. “And I’m fine, I’ve been staying at Riley’s place. He doesn’t even care enough to know I’m gone, I think. It’s okay.”

“You should call CPS or something, Quinn.”

“No, I can’t, just-”  _ No parents, lose what I have, lose Riley, lose everything, shit foster care where I’m the oldest fuck that nobody wants, the fat ugly narcissistic bitch, hated. No. Better like this.  _ “I’ll think about it. For now, though, can we focus on the.. thing?”

“..Fine.” She reached over and grabbed her bag, bringing it up onto her lap. “Fine, but we’re talking about this later. I try to stay out of people’s shit, but I’m not gonna let some fuck beat the shit out of someone I’m seeing.” I blinked.  _ ‘Someone I’m seeing’? _

“Are..” I squinted at nothing for a moment to collect my thoughts, then looked back to her. “Are we not girlfriends?” Bemused eyes looked back at me.

“Girlfriends? Quinn, we’ve been on one date. Half a date, even.” The first sign of genuine pleasure I’d seen from her spread across her face in a smile. I almost didn’t mind that it was at my expense. “You really  _ are _ new to this shit, huh?”

“Listen, just..” A frustrated blush reached my cheeks, and the feeling only made me more embarrassed. “Shut up.”

“So who all’d you tell?” She scooted towards me and bit her lip in a way that seemed like it  _ must _ have been painful.  _ Are you coming onto me?  _ My question didn’t find a voice, suppressed by the fear that it would make things even worse. “Quaver better not have gossiped. I don’t need the team thinking I’m any more desperate than they already do.” She nudged me with her shoulder, forcing a sharp gasp from me. I hadn’t been breathing.

“Uh.” Shit, I still wasn’t really breathing. Fog began to invade my thoughts.

“Hey, chill out. I’m messing with you.” She put a hand on my shoulder, and the intent of the fog shifted somehow. “If you wanna call us girlfriends go for it. No skin off my back.”

“Really?” My voice came out soft, restrained. Minutes earlier I’d been filled with tension; right now the only difference was in what kind. I swallowed and tried to relax the shoulder she was touching. A realization of how quiet everything was hit me. My thoughts roared, but no sound was being made. “Pro..mise..?”

“Yeah.” She replaced her hand with her head, leaning on me. Pressed up against me.  _ Connection. _ Words left her mouth, but I didn’t hear them. Couldn’t think, just..  _ Ah. _ I blinked a few times, and then I was fine.

“Sorry, what was that?” Clarity had hit me so quickly, I wasn’t entirely sure what to do with it.  _ Press forward, I guess. _

“I said you worry too much. I bet you didn’t hear me because you were sitting here thinking about something dumb.”  _ Maybe incorrect? _ I couldn’t remember. “You need to learn to just be in the moment sometimes.”

“The moment is something I’m in all the time.” She giggled. The motion echoed from her into me - a mirror of her amusement. My chest fluttered. “You know what I mean, dork.”

“You’re the dork, dork. If you hate Civvy so much, maybe I’ll just start calling you that instead.”

“Well maybe I’ll call you Muffinhead.”

“Muffinhead?” She laughed and looked up at me.  _ Stick with it. _

“Yeah, Muffinhead.”

“Who the fuck told you I live on Drury Lane?” I blinked and tilted my head slightly to the side. “Wait, hold up.” She pulled away from me and sat up straight, leaning forward in a way I could only call aggressive. “You don’t know the fucking Muffin Man?”

“Uh..” Her eyes showed no sign of deception, but she’d tricked me before. “Of course I do.” She squinted at me, her mouth open just the tiniest bit. Too baffled to keep it shut, it seemed. Though I knew I should have been focused on the conversation at hand, and about whether or not this muffin man was an actual thing I should be aware of, I couldn’t help but stare at her lips.  _ Parted. The Moses of facial features.  _ I wondered how I would fit.

“You okay there, dork?” It took me a moment to register what she said, and that I’d started biting at my  _ own _ lip. I shook my head and took a deep breath, forcing myself to look at her eyes.

“Yes, uh- yeah. I’m fine.” I let out another huge sigh as I watched her watch me. “Sorry, not used to um.. I’ve had like a  _ week _ to actually process the gay feelings, and now you’re all.. yeah.”

“You’re overwhelmed, then?” She flipped her hair back. “By my feminine allure.”

“Eheh, uh.. Kind of? I know you’re joking but, uh..”  _ ‘But you’re really fucking hot.’ _ I cleared my throat. “You’re very nice looking.”

“Mm. Well you know what I say.”  _ Not aiming for nice. I’m not sure how much I buy that at this point.  _ “Speaking of, you wanna get this show on the road? Not that I give a shit, but my costume’s probably getting all wrinkly. I don’t normally keep it somewhere so cramped.” My eyes immediately moved to the bag, thankful to have a distraction from the siren’s allure.

“Right, right. Uh.. You wanna change in my bathroom?”

“Aw, no striptease?” My breath got caught in my throat, and she’d already taken her bag and left the room by the time I’d recovered.  _ Oh my fucking god. Deep breaths, deeeep breaths. Try not to think about it too hard. About her.. Holy shit stop you little shit. _ I got up, determined to move around to keep my thoughts clean.  _ No creepy shit. This is probably already weird enough for her.  _ I heard a couple zips as I walked by the bathroom door. I knocked a couple times. “Yeah? I was joking about the stripping thing.”

“I’m-”  _ Oh my god. _ A quick moment to recover, and- “I’m heading to my room. Upstairs, take a left right at the top.”

“Sure thing, dork.” Ascending the stairs became a task of watching my steps in the relative dark while trying to decide if I actually preferred the new pet name to Civvy.  _ Pet name? Is that right? Why do we even call it that? Shouldn’t that be reserved for weird fetishy people? And puppy love. Fuck, and like all of it. Baby? Why the fuck do we call each other baby? ‘Hey toddler, I’m home!’ ‘Oh, welcome back junior.’ Weird as fuck. _

“Hands up, punk.” Barb- No, _Rue_ snapped me out of the haze I’d fallen in. I’d apparently made my way to my bed, and the superheroine was now at my door. The zippers at her mouth and wrists, the cross along her chest, the red dots on her hand that I couldn’t see but _knew_ were there- I took a sharp, shuttering breath.

“Hh..” Words would not come out. Perhaps for the best; what could I possibly say that would do this moment justice?

“Wow, you’re already speechless?” She walked towards me, smirking. “You know that’s supposed to wait until  _ after _ we do stuff, right?” After a moment, she was next to me again. So close I could touch her, so real.

“S..Sorry, oh my.. Fuck.” I swallowed and blinked a few times to try to recuperate. “You’re..  _ very _ very..  _ attractive.” _ A long couple seconds went by, ended by her leaning forward and licking her lips. Nothing beyond that, no pressure. The choice was mine. Nausea built up in me, a cacophony of sensations telling me to vomit.

I closed my eyes and jabbed my head forward, unwilling to risk another second. So many stories I’d been told. Fireworks, sparks, and angels singing. Colors bursting and overflowing emotion.  _ All bullshit.  _ After I’d readjusted the positioning of my mouth, it was just.. Nice? Pleasant, but.. far more grounded than I’d been lead to believe. The kind of experience that would be incredible without the expectation, but instead ended up being mildly disappointing.  _ Maybe the zippers got in the way? _ We pulled away and watched each other, taking in the aftermath.  _ This is much better. _

“Damn,” I said, cutting into the silence. “Alright.”

“Alright?” She chuckled.

“Yeah, uh.. huh.” I shrugged. A grin hit me, a bit delayed from whatever had caused it. “I don’t know, that was nice. Better than it should’ve been, but also kind of stupid.”

“Oh yeah, that was your first, huh?” I nodded. She sat back, leaning against the wall. “Never broken someone’s kiss virginity before. What was stupid about it?”

“Ah, nothing you did, to be clear. I just have heard a lot and even though I’ve never thought about this kind of thing much, it just was so different from anything I’d been told. Worse, to be blunt. But it was still nice.”

“Heh, well you know I love subverting expectations. Glad I get to be the one to fuck up the fantasy for you.” She winked.  _ Thank fuck she’s not the kind to get upset about something like that. _

“Hah, yeah, um.. Yeah.” Another dip in the conversation. This one was nicer than the last. Far more relaxed, as the entire situation had become. “Anyways, uh.. Should we get started with the.. other thing?”

“If you still want to, sure. You’re pretty inexperienced in all of this, but if you want to brush right past your first kiss into some weird shit, I guess I’m not one to judge.”

“Mm..” I took a look at her, at this goddess of pain I’d somehow convinced to date me, and.. “Yeah, I do. It’s not like they’re.. if it were something more serious, or more romantic or something, I think you’d have a point, but.. this isn’t like that. So I think it’s fine.”

“If you say so. Do I gotta do it in the costume still?” Her question caught me off guard, and I blushed a little.  _ Really? At that and not the fucking kiss? _

“I’d prefer it, if that’s okay.”

“Eh, sure.” She shrugged and unzipped her left wrist, revealing the soft, vulnerable skin underneath. “Most of the shit I have in my arsenal is enough to leave people curled up on the floor, and I’m sure as fuck not starting out with that. We’re gonna do a pinch, okay?”

“Uhuh.” My jaw clenched as she grabbed a small section of her wrist. I braced myself, but instead of going right for it she looked back up at me.

“Last chance to back out.” With a shake of my head, she made a connection between us. For a moment, she and I were one. String, pulling between the two of us as if it had also been there. Tranquil, a calm before the storm.

While I logically knew her pain was being amplified by the power, what I felt wasn’t much more than if I’d done the same thing to myself. The shock from the initial connection had impacted my flow of thought more than this had.  _ Is she going easy on me, or am I overestimating what she’s capable of? Put in a more pressing way, am I  _ underestimating _ how much pain she has to put herself through to make the bad guys suffer? _

“Huh.”

“Huh?” She let go and severed the connection between us. “What, not good enough for you?”

“No, I mean.. I don’t know.” I shrugged. “Sort of underwhelming. I’m guessing it’s more of a thing with larger pains?”

“It’s pretty linear. I expected you to at  _ least _ yelp or something. If not from the hurt, then at least the surprise of it, you know?”

“It wasn’t really surprising, though. There’s like a warning, you know? As lowkey as the pain aspect was, the build up to it was really.. powerful, I guess? Not sure how better to put it. Raw, maybe.” Rue furrowed her brow at me, barely detectable through her mask.

“Nobody’s ever mentioned feeling the connection, too. I haven’t done this on people I’ve talked to afterwards much, but that’s weird. You’d think that’d give people a heads up. Maybe that’s why Partition doesn’t get hurt by me anymore? Knows what to look for? Mm.” She sat back against the wall, letting herself dip into the thoughts.  _ I guess I killed the mood. _ “Maybe they just don’t notice it in the heat of the battle?

“Uh, maybe. It was fairly subtle for me. I’m not sure I would have processed it if we weren’t doing this whole thing.”

“Huh, well I guess I get to learn something new from this too. We can’t have you getting  _ all _ the fun, right? Though I must admit it would’ve been far more entertaining to see you squirm.”  _ Ah. _ The thought appealed to me in a way I couldn’t put to words.

“We could keep going..” She perked up, and her excitement spread to me. Once again, I had to stop myself from biting my lip at the idea.  _ Do I do that often? Am I just hyper-aware of it now because of all of this? _ “If that’s something you’re comfortable with..?”

“I mean, fuck, I won’t say no.” She sat up and stretched. “We’re ramping up  _ slowly, _ though. No way in hell I’m taking you to blackout territory just because you get bored, got it? If we’re doing this it’s gonna be a slow and tedious process.”

“Fuck, alright, I get it.” I laughed under my breath, putting another nail in the coffin of the romantic mood we’d had. “You don’t have to be so cautious about this, okay? At least not when it comes to telling me shit. I can pick it up well enough on my own. Way better than most people.”

“Mm, if you say so.”

“I do say so.” She glared at me, playfully.

“Then I guess we take it up to the next few level. You got a rubber band? That’ll be in a bit, but good to plan ahead.”

“Uh” -  _ Hallway closet, box full of miscellaneous shit like that _ \- “Yeah, I do.”

“Great.” The connection between us flickered back into existence, drawing me towards her.  _ My soul? _ She unzipped her wrist and pulled off the glove. Once done, she put her hand up to her face, and very exaggeratedly put the part just below her thumb into her mouth. With her other hand, she counted down.  _ Three. Two. One- _

Teeth, against my skin. Textureless, yet divided by the rightful spaces. The fact that I could make out the details of the pain, beyond the usual  _ ‘it hurts in that basic area,’  _ was very interesting to me. That said, I still wasn’t hurting too much. I gave her a thumbs up, and she bit down harder. The process repeated a few times, reaching the point where it became a fairly unpleasant chomp. She ended it by her removing a very wet hand from the clenches of her mouth in a huff of frustrating.

“Fuck, really? You’re just  _ fine _ after that?” A little bit of drool had made its way to her lips, distracting me somewhat from her anger. The inspection of her hand distracted me from my distraction. Deep reds, the carvings of rigid toothmarks. Specks of black stained the outer edges. “Fuck. I didn’t think I’d be going that hard, I wouldn’t have chosen my hand. Try not to fuck up anything visible, you know? Out of costume, I mean.”

“Sorry, I should’ve stopped you.”

“Nah, you shouldn’t have done shit.” She snatched my hand and held it up in the space between us. “You’ve got some fucking numb nerves, girl. Think I spoke too soon on hypothetical you being a shit cape. In fact, are you  _ sure _ you don’t have powers?”

“I..”  _ Please don’t. Not again, just.. I’m normal. Exceptional and incredible, highly talented, an amazingly intelligent person, but no powers. None. There’s no chance, we already did this.  _ “Yeah. I’m sure. I guess I’ve just built up a tolerance over the years with my dad?” I squeezed her hand.  _ Distractions.  _ “Rubber bands now?”

“We’re  _ way _ beyond rubber bands at this point. You’re into the territory where most baddies call for their fucking moms.”  _ Shit, what? Okay, that is.. really odd. Do I..? I- stop. Stop stop stop stop stop. Powerless. _ “We can try some of the shit I’ve got in my costume, now, I guess. You want the prick or the cut?”

“They let you  _ cut _ yourself? Aren’t they supposed to be stuck up hero assholes? They let you make your costume like that, which is already a mindfuck, but you’re seriously telling me they equipped you with  _ blades?” _

“Okay, first off, they suppressed the vision of my costume hardcore. I had to fight tooth and nail for what I have here, alright? Pretty sure they regret it every single day, heh. The cutting’s kind of necessary for the bigger baddies, anyways, so they didn’t have a choice. Anyways, if you let me take this off I can show you all the cool little bits of it.”

“Fine, yeah.”  _ I guess the thrill will still be there regardless. _ “Before you go do that, though, can I ask why you’re so bleh about it?”

“Fuck dude, I don’t know. It’s just kinda weird wearing this getup when I’m doing romantic shit. Gets sweaty, you know? Not in the good way.” She got up and headed to the door, stopping to look back at me. “Besides, this shit isn’t exactly built for pleasure. Traditional pleasure, at least.” With a wink, she left the room. My heart pounded against my chest, begging to be let out.  _ Can you make up your fucking mind? I know mood swings are like my  _ thing _ but god damn. _

I was left to my thoughts for a short enough amount of time that I couldn’t really get into anything too deep. Most of it was spent just calming myself down, preparing for what was to come next. Barb came back in, wearing less than what she’d arrived in. She’d removed most of her tops, letting a tanktop do the bulk of the work. It was black, unsurprisingly, and was very thankfully  _ not _ see-through. As gross as it was, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to maintain my resolve otherwise.

“Didn’t feel like getting everything back on. Not gonna be an issue, right?” Dropping her costume next to the bed, she sat down. Now that she was so close, I had a better view of her. Scars of all sorts ran along the upper ends of her arms. Cuts, bruises, a myriad of signs that something  _ bad _ was going on in this girl’s life. I tried to take a deep breath and hugged her from the side. “Uh.”  _ She’s okay. It’s okay. She did this to herself- fuck that sounds worse. She’s fine, it’s cape stuff, she’s not-  _ “Hey, look, if we’re gonna cuddle let’s at least do it right, right?”

“Mmm,” I whimpered.  _ Fuck, why is this hitting so hard? I’ve never done any of that shit, I’m not like that, and Riley’s not either, and.. _ She hugged me back and gently leaned us both to the side until we were laying down. “Sorry, sorry.” I fit my head into the curve of her neck, mumbling muffled apologies.

“You’re fine.” The discomfort dripped out of her voice.  _ I’m freaking her out, she’s going to leave. She shouldn’t have to deal with my shit. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I broken? A stupid, crazy piece of shit. A fucking genie, except I lock  _ you _ in the lamp and beg for you to grant me wishes. One, to be recognized for what I am. Two, to be safe. Three, to please never fucking leave me. _

“I’m sorry.”  _ Filth. Desperate cries to from a desolate nothing. Potential in droves - a broken faucet ridding the world of its supply. Forbidden nectar surrounded by shrouds of disgusting and hopeless and terrible, monstrous, fantastically horrifying dirty explosions of nothing that matters and no one that will, all from a psycho little freak, a fucking nothing, a girl lit on fire and set to die, left to fry on the beating sun and the beaten fucking daughter, the hurt and the slaughter, the, the.. _

“Quinn.” She’d said it many times in the last however long, but that particular rendition of my name resonated with me enough to bring some calmness.

“Barb,” I squeaked.

“Hey, girl.”  _ Ah. _ Her hand was being dragged along my hair, easing me out of the void. “You’re safe, I’m here.”  _ Promise? _ “Promise.”  _ Huh? Did you hear that?  _ A pause, no response.  _ Was that a slip? You didn’t mean to let me know you’re also a mind reader, that’s some secret Wards shit, right? Please trust me with this.  _ Nothing.  _ Fuck, this is stupid. _ Rather than spiral into another internal monologue about how stupid and crazy I was, I pulled away from her and turned around. Face to face.

“Hey.” As much shame as I felt, it was almost nice just to have that all out in the open. Both with regards to myself, and what she got of it. “I’m kind of a mess.”

“Yeah you’re pretty fucked.” She smiled at me. “But I am too.”

“Mm..”  _ Different ways, but close enough to relate.  _ I wasn’t sure of how long you were supposed to wait to tell someone you love them, but knew it was probably longer than a week.  _ Stupid social bullshit. _ “You’re really great. Sorry I freaked out, I’m not even sure why I did, you know..?” I trailed off as I realized I’d been trailing my finger along her arm. She didn’t seem to mind, but I certainly felt uncomfortable with it. I snatched my hand back and held it behind me. “Sorry.”

“Eh, no big deal. They’re a part of me, for better or for worse. I kind of think about it as similar to powers that physically change people. It’s manual in my case, but it’s still a result of that stuff.” She closed her eyes, for whatever reason. Some cruel part of me suggested the idea that she was imagining being anywhere else, but I suppressed it well enough. “I’m not sure I could stop if I tried, anyways.”

“Oh?” I decided to close my eyes as well, rather than stare at her.  _ Don’t need the distraction when we’re talking about serious things. _

“Uhuh. Did try, actually. Shortly after all this started. A power like mine doesn’t really have alternatives to fighting shit. Wasn’t gonna be a villain, but really didn’t feel like dealing with being a hero. Tried to go a while not doing anything, but it built up I guess. Boiled over. Freaked out at some guy. Cute bastard, too. He wasn’t even being shitty, really, I was just really irritable. Like the whole world was screaming at me, you know?”

“Yeah.”  _ Except I don’t have the power to put an end to it. _

“Yeah. Didn’t do much, just a little pinch. He didn’t even know what happened to him, probably still doesn’t. I kinda felt like shit about how nice it made me feel, but the relief I’d gotten from my holding back was minor. Temporary. So I got over the guilt shit and decided to fuck up some sickos.”

“And then you joined the Wards like a good girl,” I joked.

“Actually, yeah.”  _ Oh. Huh. _ “Considered doing the vigilante shit, but fuck that. I never followed the cape scene quite like you have, but I knew the sad shits like Chimera and Simulacrum don’t get off any easier than the bad guys. Villains fight villains anyways, and what trustworthy hero’s gonna go without some government support.” I began to speak, but she cut me off. “That’s the way the PRT sees it, not me. I obviously don’t think this shit is all squeaky clean.”

“Right, sorry.” I peeked my eyes open to find that  _ she’d  _ begun staring at  _ me _ at some point during my attempt to avoid the opposite _. _ “Oh.”

“You’re cute.” My heart fluttered against my chest, forcing a dumb smile. “You wanna take a look at my costume, now that things are calmer?” I thought on it for a moment, eventually nodding. She shifted around and grabbed it, fiddling with some of the components. For my part, I sat myself back upright. We finished at around the same time, giving another piece of evidence towards the idea that I was not fully  _ there _ at the moment.  _ Slow. _

“Mm.”  _ Mm. _ I’d tried to say words, but nothing came out. Nothing even really came to mind, as to what I would have said. Frustrating, but I’d live. Wordlessness was something I was growing more accustomed to, as of late. Vincent was helping me come to terms with it.

“Okay, so in here” - the cloth of a shoulder, flipped over, tracing her finger along a small blade - “you can see this tiny thing. Bare minimum, I don’t even get to use it that often. Cuts aren’t really sustainable, and the type of damage doesn’t really work as well as you’d think. Way it’s set up, I’ve gotta do a kinda shrug thing to get it to even make a mark.” She fumbled around with the costume and revealed a spike in the heel of the costume. “Slam one foot against the other hard enough and it’s basically game over for whoever I’m targeting. The hard part is balancing the shit needed to take fuckers out and not being down for the count myself. Brutes are the fucking worst, let me tell you.

“Most of the time I have to get creative, though. This shit’s not the most practical in an actual fight. It’s kind of shit, actually. Most of the bad guys know not to just like punch me or whatever at this point, but I’m still seen as a fairly large threat, so they send their freaks at me. Like Magister, he’s got a fucking hard-on for me at this point. Phoney black holes don’t  _ hurt, _ you know? Striker, the Marshal’s Blaster, she’s the fucking worst. Guess her brand of eye pain doesn’t count for some reason? Bullshit.”

“Huh, cool.”  _ Oh, great, just enough words to say something stupid.  _ “Uh, interesting, I mean.”

“Dork.” She stopped playing with the cloth and tossed it onto the floor, then scooted a little closer to me.  _ Shoulder to mangled shoulder. _ “Anyways, yeah, Failsafe’s another Red Iron baddie who fucks me over. That little shit’s kinda just the worst for everyone, though. Not to mention Legion or Flock or whatever the fuck they’re going by these days. They might as well be powerless, but when they organize themselves, there’s just so  _ many  _ of them. Surprisingly easy to get overwhelmed.” She sighed. “I don’t know, I’m not gonna just sit here and rant about my cape troubles.”

“Don’t mind.”  _ Mm, why can’t I just.. Why..  _ My thoughts ran away from me, hiding like a child whose parents pulled out their full name.  _ Nothing good can come of that. _ “Sorry I’m weird.”

“Stop apologizing, you’re fine. And we’re both weird, so it’s doubly fine.” She leaned on me, which was somewhat nice, but all I could think about was how she didn’t understand what I’d meant with my words. _Weird_ now, _not always. Can’t talk weird._ _Just say that._ I tried, but my body refused. “Fine then, what else can I say?”

That question wasn’t going to be answered any time soon, as the sound of the front door unlocking put an end to all of our fun. Barb began to speak, but I clasped my hand over her mouth as quickly as I could without injuring her. Wordlessly, I grabbed her costume and forced us under my bed. The door closed, the frustrations of an ogre soon to follow.

“The fuck, Quinn,” she whispered, startling me. I’d been too focused on my dad to maintain my grip. “Why’s he home? And why are you being like this? You said he’s fine.”

“He-” Some dishes crashed. I winced, betraying what I was going to say. “Fine, no, he sucks. He sucks and scares the shit out of me. Can we be  _ silent _ now?” She gave me a hard look, but complied. I’d smudged her lipstick, and some had stained my hand.  _ Not a priority. Focus. The bag she left is in the bathroom, probably. Along with her clothes. If Dad doesn’t go in there, we’re probably fine. _ After a few more moments of stress and silence, I had to know. “Your stuff’s in the downstairs bathroom, right?”

“Yeah.”  _ Okay. Just need him to avoid there- _ “Or, no, wait. I got a glass of water. Left it in the kitchen.”

“Fuck, why? I told you not to touch anything.”

“I didn’t think it would matter, I was thirsty!” She grimaced, her volume just a touch above safety.  _ Please please please please please. _

“Quinn?”  _ Fuck! _ “Quinn, is that you?” I let out a shaking sigh, torn between terror and unwavering acceptance of what had to be done.

“Stay here,” I told Barb, crawling out from under the bed. “Yeah, hi,” I called out to him.

“Come here.” One last look to the girl who was probably not going to want anything to do with me after this shit, and I left the false sanctity of my room behind.  _ A blanket to keep out the monsters. _ Around the corner, I spotted him at the bottom of the stairs. I hesitated, despite myself. “Come on, I’m not gonna bite.” Each step drew me closer and closer to any number of potential hells. When I reached the bottom, he gave me a quick scan. I made sure to keep the lipstick stained hand out of view. “You look nice. Fancy. Going to the Greens’?”

“Uh, maybe. Probably.” He waited a moment, thinking.

“You should stay here tonight.” A breath caught in my chest.  _ Act normal, just be normal, don’t be weird, please. _

“Okay,” I croaked.  _ Please. _

“Mm, just you and I. No Rey. You’ve been out of the house too much.”

“Okay.” He looked me over once more as he scratched at his beard.  _ Don’t show him anything. _

“Good. You finish your homework?”

“Yes.” It wasn’t a lie, but it felt like one.

“Good. What say I order us a pizza. Maybe we’ll watch some reruns. That sound good?” A tap on the arm -  _ Please! _ \- soft enough it wouldn’t have hurt a fly. I nodded with as much false enthusiasm as I could muster. “Uhuh. I’ll get on that then.”

The instant he was out of the room, I ran back up the stairs and into my room. Perhaps I could have gotten Barb’s stuff, but I didn’t want to risk it. I closed the door as quietly as I could and crouched down by the bed.

“Hey,” I whispered. She seemed to have managed to get somewhat comfortable, at least.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. We need to get you out of here. Riley can probably get you out undetected, or-”

“No, I’m not leaving you alone with this creep. I don’t care if he’s your dad, he’s a fucking bastard.” With that, she crawled out from under the bed and propped herself up. I was going to grab her costume for her, but she had that handled.

“He’s not that bad, we’re just going to hang out. Look, I’ll just text Riley, it’ll be fine.” I grabbed my phone to do just that, but Barb took a hold of my wrist.

“Not enough time. And I’m  _ not _ leaving you here.” She took the phone from my hand and put it in her pocket. I didn’t offer any resistance. “Just you and I. We’ll just grab my stuff and sneak out while he’s busy, okay?”

“No, I.. Riley can safely get you out of here. I’ve handled him all my life, he.. if I run out on him it’ll make everything a lot worse. If he sees you we’re  _ fucked. _ Okay?” I reached to grab my phone, but she blocked my hand.

“Not okay. You’ve been out of the house for ages, he’s being extra nice, I know how this shit goes. He’s gonna lower your guard and then he’ll fuck you up worse than ever before.  _ Fuck. That.” _

“You can’t just- Just give my phone.” We argued, fumbling around for the object as quietly as we could manage. After half a minute of what precious little time we had was wasted on a war I clearly couldn’t win, I conceded. “Fine.”  _ Not worth getting Dad’s attention. If he touches her I’ll..  _ My teeth ached from how hard I was clenching them.

“Fuck, finally, okay. You go to the bathroom. When it’s safe” - she handed me my phone - “text me.”

“Really? All of that and you’re just giving me this now? What if I just text Riley?”

“You won’t.” My face twitched in a way I couldn’t decipher without a mirror.  _ Damn it. _

“Yeah.” I grabbed the phone and headed out the door and down the stairs. Dad was on the phone. In the kitchen, by the sound of it. This was probably the best chance we were going to get, and neither of us were at all ready to take it.  _ No, no, that’s stupid. He’d see us, no doubt about it.  _ I went into the bathroom, sent Barb the okay, and scrambled to get everything in her bag as quickly as possible.  _ How the fuck did she fit all this in here? _

The sound of descension that came from the stairwell was a bit louder than I would’ve liked, but quiet enough that Dad shouldn’t have been able to hear. When she reached the bottom, I opened the door and pulled her in, then immediately returned to stuffing stuff into her bag. She joined me.  _ We can’t get out here now, so we bolt when he goes upstairs to check on me. _ I mimed as much to her, and she seemed to understand. 

We stayed as quiet as possible and listened to my dad finish up the order. I’d expected him to call out to me afterwards, to let me know it was on the way. For him to not get any response and go upstairs looking for me. To hear my door open and take that as the sign to go. Nausea hit me as I heard him approach the bathroom. I locked it right before he tried to come in.

“Quinn?” I swallowed hard and steadied myself.

“Yeah, sorry. Feel sick.”  _ Not even a lie, yay. _ There was a pause. For a brief moment, I thought he might go to the bathroom upstairs. It would’ve been perfect.

“Why’d you come down here?”

“Huh?”  _ Please. _

“You were in your room. Bathroom’s right there, no reason to come down here. You were going to run out on me.”

“No, I-”

“Open the fucking door.” I looked to Barb for help. She was drenched in anger, and a bit of fear, but there was nothing she could do. “Now.”

_ Fuck it. _ I shut off my brain, unlocked the door, and slammed outward. He stumbled back.  _ Grab Barb, get out. _ Her hand in mine, the bag in the other, we ran past the monster.  _ Shoes, don’t tie. Unlock the door, get out- _ Dad grabbed my free arm. I threw Barb out of the house.

“Who the fuck is that-?” I threw a punch before he could. He fell back once again, and I saw a flash of red.  _ Leave. _ I ran. Barb stayed behind for a second, but caught up with me in no time. We flew through the city, adrenaline fueling every action. I couldn’t say why she kept following me long after we’d made it to safety. All I knew, as the sun dropped from the sky and my rescuer pursued my aimless chase, was that I was free. In that moment, I was  _ finally _ fucking free.


	3. Alter 3.2

“And that’s that, basically. Now I’m here. And I guess he didn’t call the cops or anything, because I mean.. Well, we’re alone.” An hour or so had passed since I’d run away from my dad. Barb and I had gone our separate ways after a while. Seemed like the right thing to do. “Anyways, you can go now. Sorry that took so long.”

“No, uh,” Riley stammered. “You’re good. I.. wow. You don’t think he’s like.. dead, right?”

“What? What the fuck, no, of course not. I like.. barely touched him. I doubt he’ll even feel it in the morning.”

“I guess. I don’t know.”  _ Why are you so closed off right now? What happened? _

_ “Anyways,” _ I stressed, “what’s up with you? Seems like we haven’t had a chance to really talk since Halloween. I mean, you told me the basics, but..”

“Yeah, yeah, um..” She sighed. “I don’t know. I came out to everyone, and it’s just really awkward now. Most of them don’t care, I think, but like.. Shy’s jealous of Marionettist’s interest in me.  _ Marionettist _ is.. I don’t even know. He’s either fucking pissed or he doesn’t care. He’s been avoiding me.”

“Maybe he just feels bad about catching you in his power during the fight.”

“Oh, yeah. Maybe. I don’t know.”

“Probably. From what you’ve said he seems like a cool guy, and Barb seems to feel the same way. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“Maybe.” She slumped in her seat. “But that still leaves everyone else. Mortar got over the Marshals thing, but I think she’s..” She sighed, again. “I think she’s sad the newest member isn’t a  _ real _ girl.” I scooted over and leaned on her.

“You’re as real as it gets.”

“You know what I mean. And she’s.. I don’t know. And Jaunt’s like.. He’s surprisingly chill about it, but I think he doesn’t really get it. But.. that’s about as good as Boon, at the moment. I don’t know. I’m glad it’s over with, it just really sucks.”

“Yeah.”

“I think everyone’s still reeling from the fight a bit. We won, we caught them, but like.. I don’t know, it took a bit of a toll on a lot of us. Vincent’s- I’m sure he’s talked about it a lot.”

“Not really.”  _ I haven’t tried to talk to him about it, much, though. Whoops. _

“Ah, well just.. I don’t know, it’s freaky. I can’t imagine what it must feel like to have your power taken away from you in the middle of a fight. And then like kidnapped, you know? It’s horrifying. If this wasn’t my first fight, if they’d known me, what if they’d decided I was the one worth taking out? I don’t think I’m threatening enough for that, but like.. down the line. If I get really good at this, what if people start targeting me?”

“Your power isn’t the kind of thing that  _ allows _ for targeting like that.”

“My power isn’t always up, Quinn. You talk about it like it’s some end-all counter to anything the world throws at me, but fuck. In that fight alone, what was supposed to be my  _ easiest _ fight, it got more and more clear that my downtime is a huge issue. I  _ can’t _ be up all the time, and I’m a sitting duck when I’m out in the open. My power works great for.. traveling, casually, I guess. But it’s shit for combat. And.. and I almost don’t even want to figure it out any better. I don’t want to get better at using it.”

“Huh?” I pulled myself off of her. “Riley, just because people might start viewing you as more of a threat, that- that doesn’t  _ matter _ to these people. They’re going to go after you whether you’re competent or not, you’ll just be better able to handle it.”

“That’s not true, though. They took Vincent -  _ Quaver _ \- because he’s  _ really _ strong. What if there’s something hidden in my power that lets me be like that? It’s undeniable that a lot of the biggest threats don’t go after people like me. And.. what about Endbringers? They alone are a good enough reason. What if I found out I can actually hold my own against those monsters? I.. I don’t want to fight them, Quinn..” A tear dropped onto her lap. I couldn’t see her face without awkwardly moving around, but I didn’t need to.

“Hey, it..” I hugged her and rubbed her arm with my thumb. “It’s okay, okay? That stuff is opt-in, you don’t ever have to go up against them. No matter how strong you get.”

“But they’re not the only ones, they-” She leaned into the hug and pulled her legs up to her chest. “There’s the Nine, and Nilbog, and Sleeper, and loads of others, and- and  _ Masters _ and.. It’s so much, Quinn.”

“I know.” I stroked her hair as best as I could, the position we’d found ourselves in betraying me somewhat. “There’s a lot of scary people, but there’s a lot of really amazing people too who keep those scary people away. You don’t have to be one of those, Riley. Especially not as a Ward. You can just be a.. friendly neighborhood Shift.”

“I don’t know.”

“Yeah.” We sat in silence for a while, close as the laws of the universe and human decency would allow.  _ You could be so incredible, Riley.. Don’t you know that? Can’t you see that? What I see? You could take on the gods of this world. Not all of them, but.. You’re a perfect counter to so many of the horrible things in this world. I get that it’s scary, but don’t you want to be something _ greater _ than this? Isn’t it better to face your fears, when you have the opportunity to? The power to take them on? _

“I’m not like you,” she said after sufficiently calming down.

“Good. We don’t need another Quinn, that’d be awful.”  _ Space us apart, though, and it’d probably be good for the world. Maybe one of us could even sort through our shit. _

“No, like.. I’m not a fighter, like you are. I don’t kick bullies or punch dads. When I triggered, I just.. I just sat there and took it, Quinn. Long after I got my powers. I’m not so sure you wouldn’t have sent a couple of them to the  _ hospital.” _

“Oh.”  _ What else do you say to that? Ow? _

“I respect it, so we’re clear. I wish I could be like you, I wish this came naturally to me. But it doesn’t. I’m gonna have to push through it, to get past this, but  _ fuck.” _ Exasperation leaked out of her, with tears threatening to follow. Regardless of their insistence, she choked them down. “It’s just awful. I didn’t ask for this, and I wouldn’t ever ask for this. Why can’t this have been you instead?”  _ Why indeed. _

“It doesn’t matter,” I lied, mostly to myself. “I’ve asked myself that a lot. There’s no point to it. We’re where we are now and we have to work with it. No matter how much it sucks.” I inhaled deeply, my chest pressing into her back, then sighed in acceptance of my own statement.

“I miss when it was just us. No fighting, no heroes or villains, just the two of us being.. us, I guess. We did more helping that guy than anything that fight did, probably. I doubt they would’ve even done anything if we hadn’t shown up. Or if nothing else, if we hadn’t brought Vincent. I can’t believe we almost let them take him.  _ I _ almost let them take him.. I got in the way of everyone, they all had to spend so much time covering me. Nothing would have happened if I hadn’t been there.”

“Riley, that’s not true.” I let go of her and moved to the point where we were looking face to face. Hands on her arms, I stared her in the wet eyes. “You very well may be the reason he  _ didn’t _ get kidnapped. An extra cape is a boon to any team, especially one as versatile as you. Those assholes came prepared for the Wards they knew; you threw a complete wrench in their plans. Riley, from the sounds of it you were awesome.” I wiped the tear stain from under her eyes with my hand, then went in to hold her again. She didn’t hug me as tightly as I was used to.

“I don’t know. It’s all just really overwhelming. I’ve got so much I have to keep track of and worry about, now. Combat is a  _ mess, _ so much strategizing I have to do in time I don’t have.. I can’t pause to think because then it’s longer until I can shift in again, and.. and  _ out _ of combat is worse, even. Marionettist’s got like.. schrodinger’s crush on me. Shy thinks I’m a freak, everything’s awkward.. Even  _ Radar’s _ being an issue.”

“Oh?” I pulled back once more and gave her an inquisitive look. The regret immediately burst through the features of her face.

“I- uh. Fuck. I.. I wasn’t gonna tell you. Just.. promise you won’t do anything stupid?”

“Promise.”  _ By my definition. _

“Radar was asking about you.. He- I don’t know. He wanted to know what happened to ‘Cheshire’. I guess Ashley never told him you don’t have powers, and he thinks you’re like.. struggling to come to terms with heroism or something. I.. I didn’t have the chance to set him straight, but.. I’ll deal with it next time I see him, okay?”

“Mm.” Despite the promise I’d  _ just _ made, as well as my better judgement, I was already thinking of a myriad of stupid things to do. Each and every one would be considered in time, some for longer than others. Eventually I would make my decision, but for now I had to maintain relations. I forced a casual nod and a despondent yet agreeable smile. “Okay. Thank you.”

“Nothing stupid.” A harsh look, distrust.  _ Justified. _

“Nothing stupid,” I lied, entirely to her.

* * *

“Okay, see you in a few hours.” A fake smile left my face as I jogged away from my best friend. It didn’t exactly feel  _ good _ to lie about my plans, but it had to be done. Like with many of the grey matters of the world, Riley never really understood my need to lie for the greater good. She usually supported me, though. Perhaps she did this time, as well. It seemed hard to believe that she’d buy my sudden desire to add a backpack to my jogging for extra weight.  _ Surely she knows what’s up, right? _

I cut my run for the day a bit short, not having enough time to dawdle. It would be hard enough looking for a place to change.  _ Too cold and risky to hide behind some bushes, but way too obvious if some girl goes into a bathroom and a costumed loser comes out.  _ If I’d been thinking far ahead, I would have made sure my jogging outfit was baggy enough to cover the bulk of the costume.  _ No one could plan for something like that, though. Not without being some kind of precog.  _ What other options did I have?

The question I was asking myself was a bit misleading, seeing as I had the very obvious option of  _ not _ doing any of this. For every idea I could come up with for how to solve my current dilemma, there were a dozen other possible variations of just  _ not _ making what most would call a mistake. Fuck, even  _ I _ recognized it as stupid, but I didn’t have a choice. Artificially, sure, but not practically.

_ Oh, god damn it.  _ An idea came to me in the middle of my internal rambling, but it was a stupid one. I looked around and identified a spot that would work, finding a suitable bundle of bushes blocking off a corner of a building.  _ Good enough. _ I went over there as nonchalantly as possible and took off my bag.

In an impressive show of persistence, stubbornness, and awkward desperation, I stretched my costume over the clothes I was already wearing. Once done, I removed my civilian clothes from underneath and placed them into my bag one by one.  _ Feels stupid as fuck, but at least I’m warm. _ Nobody ended up spotting me while I was there, but eliminating the risk was more than worth it.

I left the spot, making sure that the few people there hadn’t noticed anything.  _ It’s good that people are unobservant as fuck, but this definitely can’t become a recurring thing. Way too easy to get caught. _ Some civilians took notice as I walked by, but a quick wave seemed to be enough to sate their interest. There were still ten minutes before the meeting, so I decided to take that time to search for a good tree to climb.

“Cheshire.” My search was put to a stop by Radar, soon after it had begun. He flew down in front of me, and the combined presence of both him  _ and _ I resulted in a lot more eyes falling on us. It was enough attention that the quality difference between our costumes was bothering me. Something to put out of my mind.

“Radar.”  _ No truth sense this time. He sees me as having earned at least that. Good. _ “I was going to meet you somewhere dangerously high up, but now that you’re here.. Can I get a lift? To anywhere but here.” I nudged very slightly to the nearby people, just enough that only he would be able to detect it.

“Of course.” He held a hand out to me.  _ We’ve come a long way since the bridge, haven’t we?  _ I took it, and we began flying. I’d expected to feel the weight of gravity more than I currently was, but his power must have negated that to some extent. There wasn’t even need for using both of my hands to hold on. We came to a stop on top of a building a few blocks away.

“Thanks.” I went through the motions of brushing dust off of me, as if flying would have added any notable amount.

“You’re actually  _ wearing  _ your backpack this time.”  _ Ah, so he did see us back then. At least he didn’t use it to embarrass us further, but that’s still kind of awful. Sees me as a kid. _

“Oh, yeah, I guess I did have it last time.” It was pretty obvious that even without his power, he could tell I was underplaying how offput I was. “Yeah, I don’t know, just thought I might need it on hand.”

“Mm.”

“Mm,” I mirrored. Frustratingly, I didn’t have much to think about other than how much  _ he _ must have been thinking.  _ Fucking Thinkers. _ My instinct was to talk to fill the void, but that didn’t seem like the best option here. Patience would be key.

“So, you wanted to talk?”  _ Ah, right. Sometimes patience is unnecessary. Sometimes you actually do need to say some shit. _

“Right, yes. This isn’t about joining the Wards. Not exactly, at least. I have what I guess could be called a business proposal.”

“Oh?” He shifted on the spot, as if to mark a sudden increase in interest.  _ Some ‘kid,’ huh? Bet you didn’t see that coming. _

“As you have probably deduced or heard, I’m fairly close friends with the newest member, Shift. What you might not have heard is that I’ve also built up some substantial relationships with Quaver and Rue. The former I knew before I discovered his cape identity. Let me tell you,  _ that _ was a whole adventure.”

“I suppose it would be, wouldn’t it?” he muttered. “And no, I hadn’t heard.”

“Mm, yeah. Well that’s a thing, you can ask them. Anyways, I think I could be of assistance. Once you check with the others and verify that I’m trustworthy, I could be an.. informant, perhaps.”

“An informant.” He crossed his arms and raised his eyebrow skeptically.

“Yes, or something like that. I would be of little use in a fight, but I think I could be quite an asset outside of that. Not to brag - just to make it clear what I’m capable of - but I realized my friend was Quaver long before he was willing to tell me. Shift actually only joined as quickly as she did as a way of verifying my discovery.”

“You know that working to find out a cape’s civilian identity, let alone distributing your findings to others, is a very serious offense, yes?” My blood ran cold. “I see no reason to report you, but you shouldn’t go making that a habit. You should also be careful who you tell that to.”

“It’s not like that, I’m-” Tingles ran through my skin and body, analyzing everything within me. A sharp inhale preceded a rush of panic.  _ Leave me the fuck alone, why can’t you trust me? Just- fuck! Calm. Don’t freak out or you’ll ruin shit. He’s not going to do anything, just stay calm. _ “It was the other way around. I didn’t find out the civilian identity of a cape, I found out the cape identity of a civilian. It’s different, right?”

“Mm. Maybe.” A brief moment of silence; a thousand thoughts. “Regardless of the ethics of that particular situation, I’m not sure that you should be using that as an example of what you can offer the team.”

“Right, no, that was just..”  _ Regulate yourself or you will fuck this up.  _ I straightened my postured and took a breath to reset myself. “Fair enough. Let me try pitching this again.” He said nothing. He didn’t need to, so long as he didn’t leave. “I know a lot about capes. Probably not as much as your people do, but I have extra information that I’m sure can be helpful. Sideline information, a very very well tuned knowledge of outsider perspective. Which is sort of an overblown way of saying that I understand normal people on a level beyond what is at all normal.

“I have spent the last decade of my life waiting for-”  _ Don’t talk about powers with regards to yourself, dumbass, that’ll let him know everything.  _ “For some sort of meaning.”  _ Good. _ “I’ve devoted an immense amount of time to going through various forums, some of which are incredibly off the radar.” I smiled a fraction at my joke, but got no reaction from it.  _ Come on, you’re just going to be a hardass this entire time? _ “I’m very good at knowing what’s fake and what’s  _ sort of _ fake but also not entirely. I figured out most of how trigger events work just from combing through a bunch of shit.”

“Get to the point.” All of the momentum I’d built up got thrown in my face.  _ Are you fucking with me on purpose? _

“Just- I can get you information on the villains. There’s lots of it out there, in places filled with a lot of garbage. Motivations, otherwise unknown information on their powers, tons of stuff like that. I could give you extensive documentation of all the important details of basically  _ every cape in the city. _ Beyond that, I can help with public relations. I know how these people think, what they look for, what they think is suspicious and what isn’t. Anything you need, really.”

“We already have Thinkers dedicated to that. Adults.” My teeth grinded against each other.  _ I’m not a fucking kid. _

“I’m better than them,” I growled. A brief moment later, surprise flashed on his face, followed by disappointment.

“My first impression was correct. You’re not a cape.”  _ Fuck, how?! _ I stepped forward without conscious intention, desperate in my core to close the gap.

“I was going to tell you! I- fuck. I just needed some time, I knew you’d write me off otherwise! Please, listen-”

“I don’t have time to waste on unpowered brats with delusions of grandeur.” He held his arm out, an invitation for me to grab it and then fuck off.

“One more chance, please, I promise I’m worth it-”

“Join the PRT when you grow up, if you must. I’m not going to entertain the idea of child labor.”  _ Please, no, this isn’t how this was supposed to happen! I had a plan, I had- I’m  _ more  _ than some- fuck! _

“I’d do it at no cost, please, just hear me out-”

“Stop,” he commanded. I started at him, panting, as he basked in his own supposed glory. Smug in how little he cared about this.  _ As if emotional indifference has fuck all to do with logical superiority. As if apathy in the face of suffering is at all a fucking boon. Pretending you’re a fucking  _ hero, _ rather than a pathetic slump of human garbage, fuck you!  _ I bolted for the edge a few feet away, stopping just before the fall.

“Let me fucking speak or I will make you regret it!” Despite the fury coursing through my veins, and the imminent threat of suicide, Radar remained calm.

“Cheshire, stop this.” His voice was disgustingly level, tame.  _ Half the world could be fucking burning and you wouldn’t bat an eye. _

“Shut the fuck up!”  _ Dig into him, ruin him, fucking break him! _ I laughed, despite myself, as an idea popped into my head. A quick breath in, a crack of my neck as I stood up as formally as dignified as I could. “Showed up real quick after I got changed, you know. Like a minute later. I wasn’t even that close to the meetup spot, and- and you came from the other direction. What’s up with that, huh?” I waited a moment for some response, but it turned out he was taking my advice to keep quiet.

“Yeah, that’s right. You- You  _ sensed _ me ahead of time, right? Your range is larger than you want people to think, I  _ know _ that, and you were just- you were waiting around. You were waiting around and you sensed some girl getting changed somewhere that should’ve been hidden. I bet you watched, too, huh? Watched as a  _ minor _ took off her clothes? That’s kinda fucked, don’t you think? You get a little hard?” Another pause, looking for something. Any sign of this intrepid dick giving a single shit.  _ Are you fucking kidding me? _

“Fine, fine then, that’s not doing it for you, huh? Well what about the law? Pretty big violation of the unwritten rules, yeah? You were talking about this just a moment ago, too! You could spot me in a crowd now, huh? You spotted me and chose to fucking stay around. To watch me and take me in. You know exactly who the fuck I am, even if you don’t have a name to it now. You can get it, any time I’m in civilian clothing. You are a constant threat to my safety, now.” A few heavy breaths passed before Radar spoke up.

“Are you finished with your tantrum?”

“Fuck you.”

“For someone who thinks she’s smart, you really don’t think before you speak, do you? First off,  _ you are not a cape. _ You’re a little girl playing pretend. These rules do not apply to you.” He took a few steps towards me.

“Stay back!” I took a fraction of a step back, my foot halfway off the edge. He continued to approach me.

“Secondly, I am  _ blind. _ You are nothing but a collection of imageless shapes to me. Even if the integrity of your civilian identity meant  _ anything, _ you would still be wrong. I have no way to distinguish you from any other teenaged brat I come across on the street. All you are to me is a deluded fangirl who’s making empty threats because someone superior to her saw through her little plan. Even if you fall, you know I can and will save you. Give up on this and go back to supporting your friends from the sidelines where it’s safe.”

_ Walls, closing in around me. Crushing and screeching and melting and pounding and frying and ever-threatening. Terrifying mounds of brick and mesh and pulsating flesh, screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming, unending! Helpless nothing and horror and rejection and lonely scorns that break your soul and the very heart of the body you are - behind it all, a terrible mountain of worthlessness, bundled and wrapped up in a pretty box. Oh how the birds fly free. _

I jumped.

_ Oppressive fucks, trying so hard to cage me. The wind rushing through me won’t fuck me over. Gravity urges me onward, pulling me down to embrace the ground. This hilariously broken Earth we live on, its most basic roots. Simplicity, beauty in the face of all the concrete and smoke and buildings which pump their human pain into the soil. _

A tight grip put an end to my descent. The same mechanic that had stopped me from struggling to stay afloat early was very likely preventing a significant amount of damage to my bones.  _ You wouldn’t care if they broke, anyways, you piece of shit. _ My captor floated us the rest of the way down. The instant my feet hit solid surface, I was flung to one of the two tight walls - arms on either side serving as my prison.  _ As if I could run, anyways. _ People crawled in the edges of my vision, but whether they were real or not was out of my grasp.

“Listen to me, Cheshire.” I blinked a few times and looked up at the source of the voice. My breath hitched, a momentary snarl forcing its way onto my face. “Listen.” For whatever reason, I complied. “You are to return home uninjured, understand? Whatever the cause, it’s clear that you are too concerned with yourself to intentionally do any major damage, but it isn’t all up to you. Your words are filled with a dangerous ego, one you  _ need _ to contain. You are messing with people and systems far out of your control, and if you keep at this you are going to end up in a situation you can’t get out of.”

“I’m better-”

“No you are  _ not.  _ Take it from me, kid, there is nothing in this world that can prepare you for the worst people have to offer. All you can do is stay out of trouble and let the people like  _ me _ deal with it. You think you’re smart, then  _ listen. _ Be thankful you aren’t like us. Like your little friends, or like any of the others who got stuck with the responsibility of taking on incalculably unfair odds. You are not a hero. You are not above this. Go home, do your homework, and keep your head out of the clouds. Be a fan, sure, do your investigating, but leave the tough shit to the rest of us.”

“Fuck off,” I mumbled.  _ Wait, that’s me? Why do I sound so far away? _

“Go home, Cheshire. Goodbye.” A flash of green was registered long before I realized he was no longer touching me. The hands remained, an echo staining my costume.  _ My skin? _ I wanted to do something, to yell. A pathetic murmur escaped from my mouth, and with it came a storm.  _ Endless fury, a cacophony of the plague of hate. Disgust and repulsion, nothing but my plaything.  _ A fist - mine - slammed against the wall. Again and once more. The depths of my voice, strained and overwhelming as they exploded out of me.

_ To any god, any selfish creator who sits and watches, hear the sound of this beast! Roaring and mighty, a force bringing waves of a despondent and chasming fire! The lord - dare he bare his eyes upon me - be damned! Selfish organisms, the lust of a filthy few men who think themselves bold - they know nothing of deserving! Of truth! Of power! Of- mm. _

_Wow, that one was kind of shit._ In an instant, all of the rage dissipated. My body was a bit slow to catch up with me. As I cooled down, I rubbed the base of my hands off on my top and cleared my throat. _Already sore._ _Really fucked myself over this time, huh? All of this and I don’t even get a good breakdown out of it._ Ready enough, I started going home. Nobody was around to care. _Probably not great that I’m so used to these I’m criticizing the resulting internal prose._ I laughed to myself, a shallow and pained laugh. _Maybe so._

* * *

_ ‘Riley already yelled at me a lot, you don’t need to do the same. I get that it was stupid, I get that I should’ve talked to you two, it’s whatever. I just want a friend right now, I guess. Riley’s letting me stay here because I don’t have anywhere to go, but I think she doesn’t really want to be around me right now. She hasn’t even asked if I’ve eaten today.’ _

_ ‘can’t say I blame her, but I’ll back off’ _

_ ‘Thank you. You’re the best, V.’ _

_ ‘if you say so. so, have you eaten?’ _

My stomach groaned at just the thought of food. My attention was involuntarily brought to an ache I’d gotten very good at ignoring. One pain lead to another, a slow burn of red spread all throughout my body. Perhaps some simple comfort would have made the whole thing a little less awful; even something as small as a blanket.  _ Stop, you’re only making this worse on yourself. Or- Or maybe don’t stop? Probably should’ve been more specific in the details of what this ‘punishment’ entails. _

_ ‘Only a little, but I ate a lot yesterday.’ _

Was lying really the best course of action, when I’d gotten into this mess due to an overload of the stuff? No, almost certainly not. I couldn’t bear to deal with consequences, though.  _ It’s not like he can actually do anything, but.. I don’t know. _

_ ‘okay, that’s good. when’s dinner?’ _

_ ‘I don’t know. Whenever, I guess.’ _

_ ‘okay’ _

_ ‘Let me know if this is pushing it, but if you’d be down with talking about the Radar thing, that’d be really nice. I could probably talk with Barb about it, but I don’t know. She’s not the best with that kind of thing.’ _

_ ‘oh yeah, I wouldn’t go to her for emotional support even if she was the last person in the world. we can do that, just know I might not have much to say’ _

_ ‘When do you ever?’ _

_ ‘touche’ _

_ ‘Anyways, thank you. I guess I just feel kind of stupid about all of this, but I’m also not sure what else I could have done? I don’t think Riley would’ve helped me pitch it under a more.. I don’t know, formal lens? Honestly, after tonight, I don’t think that asshole would have even been willing to give me the time of day if we’d been upfront about it. They say never meet your heroes, but like.. holy shit.’ _

_ ‘yeah, he’s a bit of a douche, won’t lie’ _

_ ‘Like, I don’t know. I get he’s had some tough shit to go through, but who the fuck hasn’t? And it’s not even like he’s using that experience to help people, no, he’s just like a fucko? I hope he doesn’t treat Meteor Maid like that.’ _

_ ‘from what I’ve seen of them, they’re exceptions to each other’s assholery’ _

_ ‘Wait, MM’s an asshole too?? What the fuck! I remember being so excited for their super-relationship a couple years back. I know it was like a ploy to try and cover up the cancer shit, but it seemed so sweet at the time. Damn, today really sucks.’ _

_ ‘I mean, yeah. you know, I would’ve helped you out’ _

_ ‘Huh?’ _

_ ‘with the Radar thing. even if you didn’t want to do something formal, I could’ve shown up. I think even just my being there would’ve given you a fair bit more trust right off the bat’ _

_ ‘Nah. If anything, he’d probably just question me on if I’m a Master. He thought I was some morally dubious anti-hero or whatever, maybe even thought I was controlling Riley. So he’d just write me off even sooner and be convinced I was a threat. It’d have to be formal, if I had help, and I don’t think he’d be down for formal.’ _

_ ‘I mean, I would’ve been fine leaving out that you don’t have powers. you pass well enough for a Thinker, and I think he respects that’ _

_ ‘Honestly? Fuck Thinkers. I’m so sick of them. I’d rather any other power than be a Thinker. Even a Case 53, honestly. At least most of those guys look sick as fuck. Thinkers are just boring smarmy dickweeds.’ _

_ ‘I’ll make sure not to tell Partition you said that’ _

_ ‘Okay, that doesn’t count. He’s not really a Real Thinker, you know? He’s not like oooo I know all your secrets after talking to you for two seconds. Fuck that shit. They always miss the big picture, you know? There’s so much more to a person or a situation that their power can’t feed them, and they never look past it. They just assume they got it all and work on that. I’d almost say being a Thinker makes you dumber. More close minded. It’s stupid as fuck and kind of paradoxical, but here we are.’ _

_ ‘can’t say I completely relate. Pythia’s one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met, and Jackalope was great before he got transferred. didn’t get to talk to him for more than a couple months, though, so who knows’ _

_ ‘Oh damn, that’s a name I haven’t heard in a while. How’s he doing, if you know? Not sure how much Ward teams stay in communication. But you’re right, I guess he did seem okay.’ _

The instant the text was sent, Riley’s dad came through the door.

“Oh, Quinn.” He closed the door with his torso, his arms full from bags. “What are you doing on the couch?”

“Eh, just feel like it,” I lied.

“Huh.” He walked past me, into the kitchen.  _ He knows. _ “You mind locking the door for me?”

“On it.” I went over and did as he asked, then headed to help him unload groceries. “Need a hand?”

“You hungry?”

“Nah.”

“Then nope. I like my child labor to be the paid variety.” I watched him take ingredients out of the bags, thousands upon thousands of calories. “Not that you’d have to help to be fed, of course.”

“Of course.” I moved back to the couch and checked to see if Vincent had replied. He hadn’t.  _ I’m going to have to sit here and deal with the smells of the forbidden fruit being cooked, aren’t I? Grilled, or fried, or..  _ I closed my eyes tightly and curled up.  _ Don’t think like that, you’ll break. Maybe I should just.. go home. Or something, maybe I.. ugh. _

“Is Riley here?”  _ ‘Or is she off doing superhero things I don’t want to think about?’ _

“Yeah, in her room.” A few moments went by - the sounds of work playing behind me - before Mr. G replied. When he spoke again, he kept his voice low.

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on with you two, or will I have to wonder for myself?”

“We aren’t-” I sighed.  _ Stop lying. _ “Yeah, I don’t know. I did something kind of stupid, but.. it’ll be fine soon, I think. It’s not a huge deal.”  _ At least I  _ hope _ that’s not a lie.. _

“If you say so.” He began chopping something. “Well, you’re welcome to sleep there. If you feel hungry later, we should have some leftovers.” A minute of silence went by. Still no response from Vincent. “I’m sorry things aren’t going well right now.”

“Me too.”  _ I just hope she lets me back in before school tomorrow. Maybe then I can eat. _


	4. Alter 3.3 R

Physical contact with Quinn was normally an incredibly nice way to ground me, to keep me centered and keep out a decent chunk of the bad thoughts that were plaguing me at any given moment. Being in this situation I’d grown quite fond of in the last  _ however _ long, with her head on my shoulder, and being angry at her for it?  _ Well, it makes me a piece of shit, doesn’t it? How the fuck else am I supposed to feel, though? _

_ She’s trying to make things better, but I’m just sitting here criticizing everything. But again, what the fuck else am I supposed to do? Like- fuck! Is it reasonable to be pissed? Who can I even ask about it? I’m not exactly  _ close _ with Vincent, at least not more than Quinn is. They’ve probably been shittalking me, and maybe I deserve that. I’m being such an asshole, I just.. fuck, I don’t know. _

The bus hit a bump, causing Quinn to collide with my shoulder. It wasn’t much of an impact, but it was enough to reinforce my line of thinking.  _ How is it fair that she can lie to my face and then just do this shit? Act like everything’s  _ fine, _ like she didn’t just go and do the one thing I asked her not to do less than a day ago? How is it okay that she can make me look like an incompetant idiot to the fucking _ leader  _ of the  _ Protectorate, _ to make someone with a fuckton of power over me think I’m a lying bitch, and then come here and act like it’s okay? Who gives her the fucking right? _

When we reached the school, I did my best to go inside before her. We’d be spending the class together, but if I could just get a  _ moment _ to myself, maybe it could be okay. Unfortunately, the world seemed to be against me.

“Rey, wait up!” Begrudgingly, I stopped myself. Though I knew she had no choice but to use my name in public, and that it was something I’d  _ asked _ of her, it didn’t help ease my grudge. Within a few moments she was at my side, hand lingering inches away from my own.  _ Not here, you know that. Are you trying to make our lives worse? _ “You ran off without me. You doing okay?”

“Yeah.”  _ No. And you know why. Fuck you, acting like this is okay. _

“Okay, I just.. I don’t know. You’ve been off all morning.”  _ Do you really think I’m going to be fine about this already? Seriously? _

“Uh, yeah, I don’t know. Out of it, I guess. Not used to sleeping alone anymore, I guess.”

“Mm..”

“Not like we had a choice, though.” Regret immediately hit me.  _ She’s already repented, stop being such a bastard. _ Regardless of how I felt about it, there wasn’t much that seemed reasonable to say. It seemed to be something we had in common. After a moment, she decided to run off ahead.  _ At least she’s not crying.. _ I sighed.  _ I hope she’s not going to talk to David. _

Putting that out of my mind as best as I was able, I headed for my locker.  _ It’s just another day. You’re Rey, this is school, it’s fine. Just play the part.  _ The combination for my lock escaped me for a second, but eventually came back.  _ Left to 21, right to 5, right to 13, and- _

“You and puke girl break up?”  _ Please not now. _ Much to my dismay, Sandra and her friends had decided now was the right time to strike.  _ Like vultures, they sense when their prey is weak. Otherwise it’s too much of a fight.  _ I finished with the lock and opened up the door, opting to just ignore them. That didn’t last long, as Beth slammed the locker shut. At least she was respectful enough to wait until my arms were mostly out of the way. “Pay attention, dick cheese.”

“Normally you two are like  _ that-” _ Marissa snapped her fingers. “Now she’s all sad and no fun.”

“And?”  _ Keep it short, don’t give them anything. _

“We want our bitch back, basically.” Sandra wasn’t very fond of letting others talk, so any chance she had to dominate the conversation was one she took. “You’re the only thing keeping her from dropping out, and that’s no good. Not to mention she’s mopey as shit now. Make up or we’ll have to go big when we say goodbye to our little friend.” She motioned a snipping motion with her fingers. “Got it?” A brief moment went by where I imagined Quinn making a joke about  _ them _ being the lesbians.

“Sure.”  _ Just keep it simple. No need to fuck around. _ I went back to collecting my things, hoping they were done with today’s stupid bullshit. To my displeasure, they hadn’t moved in the time I’d taken to get ready for class. Apparently, in the few moments where I’d been turned around, they’d surrounded me. “What?”

“What?” Sandra parroted. “You think we’re just going to be your little quest givers and let you off for fucking this up in the first place?”  _ Damn it. _ “Beth.” She snapped, and the girl brought out a water bottle. They were so casual in the act, where with Quinn they’d play it up.  _ They know I won’t fight back. They know I’m a fucking coward. _

As I watched her prepare the ‘prank’ right in front of me, pouring as much water into the lid as it could fit, a strong urge to retaliate bubbled up within me. Something deep inside telling me to hurt them, to make them pay. To use my power on them. Not letting another instant go by, I snatched the lid out from her hands and chugged the contents, then dropped it on the ground. It wasn’t the most ceremonious of acts, but it defused the situation without.. _What is wrong with me today?_

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Marissa asked.  _ Are you actually an idiot? _

“You know, I was just asking myself that, actually! But without the context of what’s going on in my head, you all just seem like a bunch of dumb, hypocritical shitheads.” They looked at me like I was insane, except for Sandra who mostly just seemed intrigued. “I’m leaving before I do anything stupid. Get a fucking hobby.” I pushed past them and headed in the direction of class.

“Perv!” Sandra yelled after me. It would have been so easy to warp over to her and slam her head into a locker.  _ That’s why you have to go. You can’t do this, you can’t think about this shit. The one fight you got in was awful, and they trashed you, but that doesn’t mean you can just go after people who can’t fight back. Where is all of this even coming from? _

I entered Ms. Holly’s class to find that Quinn and Vincent had already begun passing notes in the back corner. The anger that boiled within me was enough to make me decide to sit at the front of the class, rather than with her.  _ Am I just not processing this and it’s coming out in rage? What the fuck is happening to me? _ I gripped the sides of my head and squeezed.  _ I need to get out of here, I need to leave, I need to escape I need to run I need to shift I need out now now now now now! _

“Ms. Holly!” My yelling was accentuated by the ring of the bell. She blinked a few times in alarm and confusion, stammering for a moment before composing herself.

“Yes, Rey?”

“Sorry,” I said in a lower voice.  _ Everyone’s looking at me. Leave. Leave. LEAVE.  _ “I- uh, I- I need to go.” Normally there would’ve been a fight, some back and forth about using the time before class, but something about me must have indicated to her that this was necessary. She nodded, the whole world staring as I sprinted out of the classroom.

_ Where? _ It was really just a choice between the bathroom or leaving the school altogether. As much as I didn’t want to deal with the guilt of bathroom issues, it was the better option. I stormed into the place I was expected to, given my status as a ‘boy,’ and punched a stall.

“Fuck, ow!” I shook my hand and inspected my now sore knuckles. Nobody else was here, thankfully. “Jesus, Rey, what are you doing?” The instant I went to look into it, the mirror stared back at me, its face constantly changing to fit who it was talking to, even when that meant being repulsive. Breaker, torn in half, fluttered in my vision. My own image -  _ I want to tear into you. _

I splashed some water onto my face and checked the mirror once more. Unsatisfied, I did it again. And again. I stopped when the dripping began to leak into my clothing, laughing a little under my breath.  _ I could’ve gotten the same result if I’d just let Beth soak me.  _ The momentary relief was met with even more anger.  _ No, not anger, something else. _ I curled up into a ball on the floor and held my face in my hands.  _ I’m broken. _

The cool of the linoleum brought me more comfort than I’d felt around Quinn in a little while.  _ She just.. She’s been so dismissive lately. Is that just me? Am I just seeing things differently now after.. I guess it’s been since the schizophrenia thing. Fuck. I’ve been being a bitch, haven’t I? She’s just doing the best she can with me pulling back and being weird. Weird somehow, I.. I need to find out how I’ve been weird. _

_ Today, at least, I’ve been incredibly aggressive. In fact.. _ I shifted into my power.  _ I’m going to need some time to think, and this way I won’t be tempted later on in the day.. _ The idea that I couldn’t trust myself not to use my power to hurt civilians chilled me.  _ Even if the civilians in question are far from innocent.  _ Even just the idea of fighting back, without the use of cape shit, was..  _ uncomfortable. _

_ Am I losing myself in this? Falling into some.. pit of trauma, or something? Or, more horrifyingly, am I returning to how I was before? There was some level of softness, if it can be called that, that came with the gender realization.. What if that’s going away? But I was never this bad.. Kind of an asshole, but not  _ violent. _ That was always Quinn. Or, no, not always.. If anything, she’s the one who’s gotten far more aggressive the last however long. Few years? Probably because I never defended myself. She had to do it for me. _

_ I’m a bad friend. I need to be a better friend, I need to not freak out when she does one stupid thing. Like it’s.. it’s immensely frustrating, and a major betrayal of my trust, but.. but what?  _ My ability to get riled up was severely limited by my power, but now seemed like a time that I  _ should _ be angry. I was, somewhat, but not the right amount, and it was still  _ wrong _ in some way I couldn’t describe.  _ Whatever, it is what it is. _

_ Whether I’m correct in my observations and justified in my feelings, or whether I’ve been pushing her away and need to be a better friend, something needs to be done. Preferably something that can serve to fix both issues, at least a little bit. Taking my hurt out on others isn’t going to do anything good, regardless of the reality of the situation. I’d gain nothing but a moment of satisfaction in hurting people, if even that. Probably not even that. Again, the fact that I’m even  _ considering _ this shit at all is treading new ground. _

_ I.. Who the fuck am I even talking to? The personification of my anxiety and ADHD? Of whatever the fuck else is wrong with me? I should really work on trying to figure that all out. Like, I mean.. do I have PTSD now? Is this.. I said it - or I guess thought it - so naturally before. A ‘pit of trauma.’ That’s not like a casual thing, right? That leads to.. something, right? There’s so much shit and it’s all so like over the top and scary and creepy, and I’m supposed to be the normal one! _

_ Who am I supposed to talk about this stuff with? I can’t share this with Quinn, she’s got so much on her plate, worse stuff, and.. She’s all I have. I’ve spent so long not caring at all about having more friends, but I guess I’ve just never had problems? At least not ones bad enough I’ve needed to vent them. Seems like I was handling everything fine until suddenly it’s just powers and fighting and trans and- and now I’m sitting here trying to vent to  _ myself, _ and that’s just building up, or.. or something. It’s inescapable. _

_ So I’ve got some unknown collection of issues leading to one of two problems, and I need something that fixes both of them. Better yet, something that addresses the root of this. The best idea is probably to ask around with whoever she’s been close to lately. Neither of the options are particularly ideal. Either the mute guy I’d have to text with to get what I need, when I hate texting.. Or the sadistic creep who’s way more likely to be responsible for Quinn’s degradation of morals than to want to help me solve that issue. _

_ ‘Degradation of morals’, jesus that’s extreme. She’s just being a bit selfish, but I mean.. I can’t really blame her. She’s dealing with a lot of stuff, so trying to get some time to hang out with me.. to help me after this life threatening fight, where I almost.. where  _ something _ happened, not sure if it’s reasonable to say I almost died. It feels like that’s the case, but that’s definitely extreme. But.. if I’m feeling that way, Quinn probably sees it as way worse.  _

_ Fine, okay, current plan of action is just.. Not sure how long it’s been, but I can just do this again later if I’ve been in here for not very long. So I leave, head back to class, and.. spend the rest of the day deciding which hell I choose. Or- no, that’s stupid, just.. Barb. Going with Barb. Otherwise I’d waste the entire day on that and not get any classwork done, and it’d be a mess. Just- fuck, just going to class and then this afternoon- yeah. Okay. Okay, that works. Here goes nothing. _

* * *

I’d spent a good while trying to think of how to get Rue to agree to spend some time alone with me, and all of it had been for nothing. It seemed a little too good to be true when she asked me to go patrolling with her. ‘Off the record’, she’d insisted. It came as no surprise that she’d value the time away from adults over a couple participation stickers.  _ Besides, it means she can slack off, because of course she doesn’t take any of this seriously- Okay, that’s not a good way to make a connection. Try to meet her on her terms. Or Quinn’s terms. Just give it a shot. _

“So, not a lot of stuff, huh?”  _ Pretty awful shot, Riley. That’s a trash tier ice breaker and you know it. _ “I mean, enemies or whatever. I always assumed there’d be more of that, you know? Bad guys, crimes, uh.. That sort of thing.” Despite how bad my bait was, she took it. 

“Doesn’t really work like that in a city like ours. The amount of crime is probably greater than any given small town, but it’s spread out. The chances of us being there  _ right _ when it’s happening are low as fuck, so it’s mostly just about being spread out ourselves. That way we can react quickly, no matter what.”

“Oh, yeah, that.. that makes sense.”  _ That was also surprisingly serious. Not even a single joke at my or someone else’s expense in that whole thing. Maybe she’s trying to meet me halfway as well? _

“Yeah, no, it’s some bullshit I made up.”  _ Ah. _ “Most villains avoid doing illegal activities out in the open. It’s usually underground, out of sight. The small shit is way more likely to be caught through this, but non-capes are even  _ more _ careful about this kind of thing. It’s basically stupid as fuck unless you’re Radar or fast enough to cover his ground.”

“Right..”  _ And I’m guessing I don’t really count. Catching a suicide attempt is just about the only way my power could come in handy there, and the chances of a repeat of that are.. _ I sighed. “Yeah.”

“Mortar’s probably the second best option we have for this, but she’s not great at all of this. Cape shit, I mean. If you’ve got anything on her, it’s that you’re not an overexcited brat. Pretty sure she couldn’t sit still for more than a few minutes. Guarantee you she fucks up a mission some day just by virtue of being a stupid little shit.”

“Uh.” I cleared my throat and looked around for anything to shift our attention to, but the city was still.  _ I’d take a full on cape fight over this. _ “Yeah, I don’t know. She’s the youngest of all of us by a little bit, right? And she just joined not too long ago. I’m sure she’ll grow out of it.”

“Four months is more than enough time to have your dreams of superhero fame crushed. This shit sucks and at this point she’s just in denial. There’s no way she hasn’t woken up screaming from Endbringer nightmares at least a couple times since joining. Someone as mobile as her is going to be drafted for that shit the instant they turn eighteen. She’s probably just repressing it.”

“I mean, can you blame her..?”

“No, but that doesn’t mean it’s not annoying as fuck. Believe me, I understand where she’s coming from, but it’s something you need to move on from sooner rather than later. Anything else gets you killed.” I grit my teeth, the anger from earlier coming back in a terrifyingly persuasive wave. “One of the reasons I think you’re neat, actually. You never had that shit. You’ve been scared since day one.”

“That doesn’t make me  _ better _ than anyone else,” I barked. She looked at me with a similar level of confusion and intrigue as Sandra had.

“Chill, dude. I never said it did.”  _ Breathe. Breathe, in and out. She’s reaching out to you in her shitty way and you’re being an asshole. Halfway, just meet her halfway. _

“Right, sorry. I’m having a bad day.” I sighed. “Or month, really. Can we change the topic?”

“I mean, sure.” With that, she dropped it and we returned to our walk. “You know I’ve got to ask; wanna talk about your month?” I sighed again. “Or just the day, if you’d prefer.”

“I..”  _ Come on, just do this and then you’ll get what you want. Fuck, this even leads directly into the conversation about what you want. It’s perfect, just.. bare your heart a little.  _ “Alright, uh. It’s Quinn, really. I could barely even look at her during school today, I.. Did she tell you about the Radar thing?”

“Nah.”

“Right, I guess it’s not been very long. Uh.. So she kinda just.. I was ranting about cape life and I accidentally mentioned that Radar had been asking about her. About ‘Cheshire’, you know? And I just.. I asked her not to do anything, to let me handle it, and she lied to me. She said she wouldn’t, and then the very next day she comes home to tell me that she like- she jumped off a fucking building? To make a statement, I guess? She jumped off a building because Radar wasn’t doing what she wanted.”

“Sounds like her.”

“Yeah, well.. it’s not her. It’s.. I don’t know, she was never like this. The- I’ve known her for so long and.. she never would’ve done something that  _ crazy _ before. Or.. behind my back..”

“Gotcha, so you’re worried about her but not sure if you should be supporting her when she fucked you over. Yeah?”

“Uh.”  _ Why is everyone I know so good at knowing what other people are thinking? I guess the better way to put it is why am I so fucking trash at it? Another of my unknown issues, or a symptom of something I haven’t taken the time to look into? God, I spent like three hours figuring out what was up with Quinn after the  _ first _ building incident, and I haven’t even looked into stuff I’ve known about myself for years. _ I sighed.  _ Something for another time.  _ “Yeah, I guess.”

“Yeah, that’s tough shit.” A surprising amount of nothing followed that statement. I’d been expecting some sort of continuation: advice, encouragement, or  _ something. _ All she was offering was a place to vent, and it seemed that was kind of exactly what I needed.

“Thank you for this.” She shrugged. “And, huh, I guess you’d probably understand the rest of this better than most, maybe? Um. If not, sorry if that’s offensive. I just.. today I’ve been having a lot of trouble with uh..” I looked around, double checking that no one was within earshot. “I’ve just been having urges? Uh, like, violent ones. So many people in my life are just complete shit to me, and I always just  _ take it. _ The fight with the Marshals was my first ever, if you don’t include training.”

“I don’t.”

“Hah, yeah, um. But yeah. I guess it just kinda awakened something in me? I just.. I’m just kind of sick of people hurting me and me doing nothing about it. Like, these girls in my school, they’ve been harassing Quinn and I for years. And.. and I guess I’ve been such a pushover that they thought they could just like.. They were going to pour some water on my head, or on my pants or something. And they were just going to do that right in front of me? Slowly, too; really taking their time. So I snapped and - oh god it’s really stupid sounding now - uh, I just took the water and drank it?”

“Shift, if you think that’s violent, I’m not sure how the fuck you survived the Marshals fight.”

“Well, no! No, um.” It hit a moment too late that she’d been making a joke. “Oh. Yeah, um. Yeah. Sorry, I get it. Uh, but yeah, no, I just.. I did it to stop the urges, I guess. I just wanted to hurt them like they’ve been hurting Quinn and I, and then.. I was thinking the same things about Quinn in class, she was talking to Vincent, and.. I just bolted. Went to the bathroom and kind of had a whole stupid breakdown about it. Spent a few hours in the blue just like.. thinking, I guess. About all of this. Trying to process it without someone to bounce my ideas off of, so I just kind of went around in circles for a long while.

“And, oh my god, I was like- I was thinking I could pick like.. Two people to choose from, you know? Um. You or Vincent, the people Quinn’s been close to, to see if I’m being reasonable in thinking she’s been acting differently or in.. being mad or.. whatever.”

“And you went with me? Awww. Could’ve sworn you saw Vincent as more of a friend.”

“I.. um, I don’t know. Maybe? It’s weird, it’s a weird dynamic we have. But yeah, I went with you, I figured I wouldn’t get much out of him. And.. honestly, I thought you’d be kind of unhelpful, but I.. I guess I thought nothing would help me at the time. That I was just stuck in that forever.. I, mm.. I feel stuck a lot. In life, or um.. I don’t know, I just think people are better than me a lot of the time.”

“Yet you get pissy if someone tells you that’s not true?” I blinked a couple times before realizing she was referencing the Mortar thing from earlier.  _ Right. No advice, no support, just some venting. Don’t overextend your welcome. She’s already done a lot. _

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Just feels fake, I guess. I’d rather be told I’m a loser than be lied to.”

“Well, you’re a loser.” She stopped walking, and I did the same.

“Uh?”

“A fairly competent loser who helped take down one of the most slippery teams we have in the city. A loser who gives a lot of a shit about her friends, and who’s trying her best despite a lot of reasons to give up. Best loser I currently know, more or less.”

“Oh. Um. Thank you?”

“Don’t, that’s a good example of it. You don’t have to thank me when I’m just being honest. I think you’ve got it in your head that you have to be what others expect, that there’s some ideal version of you that exists that you have to meet the standards of, and that’s bullshit. Just be yourself, as dumb or ugly as that self may be. Can’t improve if you don’t work on who you actually are; you’d just perfect the mask.”

“So.. don’t repress my anger, then? Sounds pretty obvious when I put it that way. I guess I hadn’t really been thinking of it that way. Then, I should just.. what? Do what with it?”

“Punch some shit. Not people, obviously. We’ve got some bags at the base as you know, but you can also use pillows or whatever. Or yell into them.”

“I’m not sure that’d work with Quinn in the room. ‘Oh hey how was your day?’ ‘Fine, fine, you?’ ‘Oh it was good I went behind your back and nearly killed myself.’ And then I just like turn around and slam my head into my sheets and scream for a little bit.”

“Of course you’re not gonna do it then, this is a long term solution. In the moment your options really just boil down to talking it out or finding a distraction. I pick at my skin when I’m in civvies, and I tend to bite at my mouth zipper when I’m in costume.”

“Oh, that’s.. smart. Distractions are what take me out of any kind of moment the most. I mean, that sounds really stupidly obvious, but like.. I’ve had entire moods killed by something drawing my attention away from them. And then I look back at the thing that upset me and it’s kind of just like.. I still feel it, kinda, but it’s less intense. It puts the stuff into perspective, I guess. But I’m not really sure what I’d do to purposefully distract myself?”

“For your costume, you could probably add something in. If you can’t find something already there, I mean. Make sure it won’t fuck you up in the middle of a fight, though. Not gonna have the new girl getting herself killed because of my advice.”

“I.. fuck, um, yeah. I’ll probably just leave it as it is for costume stuff. I won’t need it as much as with normal clothes.”

“Whatever floats your totes.”  _ What? _ “Then maybe get a bracelet or something. I don’t recommend the skin thing, it’s not a good habit to pick up.”

“Mm.. yeah, I’ll figure something out. Thank you, Rue. You’ve helped more than you probably realize or intended.”

“No big deal.” She shrugged. “Anyways, we’re almost back at headquarters.” With how focused I was on the conversation, I’d barely even realized we’d begun walking again, let alone that we’d turned around at some point.  _ Case in point. _

“Ah, cool. Cool, yeah, I’ll.. The punching thing. Probably good to practice my timing anyways.”

“Doesn’t have to be punching, you know. You’re using a baton most of the time, right? Work with that, should have the same result.”

“Oh, duh. Okay, yeah, thank you. Again. For all of this.”

“Keep the ass kissing up and I’ll stop helping you out. No patrols, either.”

“Right, uh, okay. Will keep that in mind.”  _ Weird girl. No wonder Quinn and her get along. _

* * *

_ Dodge, dodge, shift, move over and draw back, and-  _ I slammed my baton into the punching bag at three-fourths force, enough power to hurt but not enough to impact my aim. If I was going to be spending time venting my anger this way, it’d be good to get something tangible out of it.  _ Besides, maybe I’ll stop fucking up fights if I spend more time practicing. _

As dumb as it seemed like it’d be, it  _ was _ helping a decent amount. Enough that I wasn’t worried I’d punch someone for being a little bit of a dick to me. I wanted to tell myself that that was never  _ really _ a concern, but that would have absolutely been a lie.

_ I think I’ve just been really impacted by like.. there’s just been a lot of changes, and I’ve gone through a lot in a really short period of time. New stuff, too, not the kind I’d gotten used to. So I just.. Yeah. There’s nothing wrong with me, I’m just going through a hard time, and sometimes that makes people wanna scream. Or punch things. I’m not broken, in that way at least. _

_ But I shouldn’t be thinking about that right now. No point in wasting my coping method by dwelling on the reason I need it.  _ A few strikes went by, my focus completely on making each one count, when I got a text. I took another swing to close things off, then checked my phone.

_ ‘Riley I know you’re mad at me righ now, but if you don’t hate me I need your help. I’m kind of freaking out right now, I thrww up and I just feel so sick right now, please I’m sorry I know I fucked up and I should’ve come to you and k shouldn’t have done that, and you don’t need to forgive me even I just need help. Please come home ifyou can, I’m in your room I. Just please come soon, use your power if oyu can. I love you i’ll explain when you get here.’ _

All of the relief I’d gotten dissipated in an instant. No, not all of it; the practice had helped to some extent, and it was a very different feeling overwhelming me now. Regardless of the specifics, tension had built up over the course of reading the message. By the time I’d even processed all of it, I’d already gathered my things and left the headquarters.

The moment my hand had touched the door, I’d shifted. Running wouldn’t make a difference in this situation, but it wasn’t like it used up my energy, and I wasn’t going to be making any good use of the extra time to think. A haze pervaded my everything, locked in place by the blue. With luck, it would fade away quickly enough after leaving that I could properly help Quinn.

I arrived at the front door of my house and grabbed my keys.  _ Shit, wait. _ I surveyed my surroundings, hoping beyond all hope that no one was around. With the severity of the situation at hand, I might have even chosen to risk being seen in costume rather than make Quinn wait another moment. Thankfully, though, that didn’t seem like it’d be an issue. I shifted out and headed through the door. I didn’t bother to lock the door behind me.

“Quinn?” I called out.

“Bathroom.” Her voice was weak, strained. Distant, and not just in the sense that I was in another room. I changed that, opening the door to find-

“Oh god.” She sat there, back to the bathtub, nearly resembling death. Her eyes were glazed over, cheeks flushed, skin sickly pale. The smell of puke had overtaken the room, marked by ever-so-slight stains at the corners of her mouth. There were so many things I wanted to do to help, but I found myself unable to choose between them.

“You were right about David.” The words that came next filled me with even more rage than had plagued me before Barb’s help.  _ I’m going to fucking kill him. _


	5. Alter 3.4

“Okay, I just.. I don’t know. You’ve been off all morning.” _Oh, shut up Quinn. You’re just_ begging _for her to tear your throat out._

“Uh, yeah, I don’t know. Out of it, I guess. Not used to sleeping alone anymore, I guess.”

“Mm..” _I hate this. I hate this I hate this I hate this. Fuck me, why did I do this?_

“Not like we had a choice, though.” A slice through my heart, cleanly cut by bladed words. I wanted to protest, or to apologize, but I couldn’t see any good outcome for anything I could say. When she’d made it clear she was going to leave it at that, I left. Ran away, like a fucking coward. Better to give her space, probably. Hopefully. _But if we’re being honest, I kind of couldn’t care less right now. The selfish little shit I am._

After gathering my things as quickly as possible, I headed to Ms. Holly’s class. Vincent was already there - _thank fuck_ \- so I sat next to him and pulled out a piece of paper. Normally I’d wait until class had started, but patience could go fuck itself.

_‘Hey V, shit’s even worse than last night. I think she hates me? I think she really really hates me, and I don’t know what to do. I’m seeing about just giving her space and letting her come to me if she wants to. Or that’s my plan now, at least. I wasn’t doing a good job of that this morning. Still morning but you know what I mean.’_

_‘probably for the best. I highly doubt she hates you, but I wouldn’t blame her for being pissed’_

_‘Yeah, I can’t even dispute that, I really fucked up. I always consider all the options I can see, but I tend to forget that I can lean on people when it comes to big stuff. Still not even used to having anyone other than Riley as a friend.’_

Riley came into the room in what would’ve been a speak of the devil moment, had she not been the only thing we were discussing, and were this not her inevitable destination. Keeping my head down so she wouldn’t be able to tell I was looking, I watched her eyes pass over me for only a moment before sitting at the front of the class. I would’ve dwelled on that moment a lot longer had Vincent not passed the note back.

_‘yeah, looks like you should stay back a bit. for what it’s worth, I think you’ve earned a little more respect than this. like you did absolutely fuck up, but I don’t think this reaction is justified’_

_‘That.. sort of helps? It’s complicated, but thank you. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to focus on school when she’s.. when this is happening. I just wanted to be able to help her, I wanted to be her sidekick again like when we started out. Saving that guy from jumping was the most I’ve ever been able to do to help someone, to be important, and I can’t do that without her. But you already know all the depths of my various complexes, so I won’t fill a page on that.’_

_‘much appreciated. it’s a good thing we usually end up using your paper, because at this point you’d owe me a few dollars in expenses’_

_‘I guess I do burn through this stuff pretty quickly, huh? At least my handwriting is fairly small. Pretty sure I’ve dried out a pen or two of ink just on conversations with you. Completely worth it, but still notable.’_

_‘yeah’_

I side-eyed him. _What am I supposed to do with a ‘yeah’? Work with me, I need a distraction._ One came, but it was the exact opposite of what I’d been asking for.

“Ms. Holly!” Riley yelled, moments after the bell rang. All eyes were on her. Secondhand embarrassment invaded my body and soul. She was doing this because of me, I knew it. I was going to be what caused the destruction of her life. _As if I’m not already the source of all her problems._

“Yes, Rey?” Her voice shook a moment, still in recovery from the outburst.

“Sorry,” Riley said in a lower voice. “I- uh, I- I need to go.” The instant the teacher nodded, she bolted. A Riley-shaped absence was left in her chair, a rushed outline of a now gone person. If I hadn’t known better, I might have suspected her to have superspeed. _No, I’m faltering, I’m-_

My eyes burned, alongside the lining of my throat. Fuck, my entire body was rapidly becoming a cascade of fire, blazing through me and threatening to explode outwards. _Not powers, not-_ I stood up and stumbled, opting to use a hand to prop myself up off my desk. People were too far away to see me- no, too stunned to respond- no, too- too-

“Holly,” I croaked. A cacophony of eyes burst onto me, shoving their existence and judgement in my face. I dashed to the door and shouted out without looking back. “Period!” I could deal with the repercussions later, when things made sense. _Please, fuck, make sense again. Hell is the depth of a mountain and I am falling with haste. Falling in tandem with what, why is this suddenly here? My what, my soul, the world? Where am I lost, why am I losing my.. Why am I losing.._

The door to the front office melted at my touch, the secretary gawking. _Eyes, burning, fire and heat and- Fuck!_ I went forward, tripping over each step as I made my way to the fleshed lady, ripe in her sight.

“David. Need.” She got the message with those two words alone, which filled me with a brief moment of release from the flames. Nothing else coherent could have spilled from my mouth, not a sound that the many could hear.

She told me that he was with one of my peers. Some kind of noise came out of me at that, apparently enough to make my state of being known by another. That I was not just an exaggeration of an obsessive girl, but a fully-fledged reality. She asked me if I was okay. The roar of blood and pyre crashed against my ears, begging my silence.

I attempted to mutter something of my need to rest, then fell into a chair. Whether or not I was understood did not matter. Ash and soot would find me, and I would rise anew. In time, only time. _I need only wait and my rebirth shall come._

* * *

 _Why am I such an edgy bitch?_ We sat in the cafeteria, food rotting on my tray. Riley had placed herself a little further away from me than was normal, and no one was talking. _You know, better yet, why does the world present itself to me in such a way that lends me to being such a stupid edgy bitch? Even that shit, right there, fuck you. Cut the dumb bullshit for once in your life and think about shit in a realistic way. Not everything is some fantasy garbage._

Keeping my head down so as not to bother Riley, I took a quick peek at her. She was carving her way into some bread with her teeth, seemingly very out of it. Vincent, I knew, was just chilling next to me. _Maybe the reason I view things in terms of fantasy is like a.. Sigh, Quinn, don’t do this again. Just.. okay, listen, if I can just.. I’ll be reasonable about it, I’ll be calm. Skeptical. I’m not going to lose myself again, I’m dangerously sober right now. Sober, is that an apt way to put it? I don’t know. But I need a distraction._

_Anyways, hypothetically, wouldn’t all of my issues here be solved if I was a Thinker? I know I was just ranting about how that would be some bullshit a couple days ago, but.. Let’s look at the facts. The real facts, not the stupid ones my brain makes up. God, I should really wait to do this with others who can keep me grounded, huh? Whatever, I’m nearing forty-eight hours without food, I don’t have the energy to go building hopping or anything. Worst case scenario, I just need to be open about it with Vincent before I do anything stupid._

_So let’s look at the facts. So far, I’m the only one who has been able to adjust to Riley’s power as quickly as I did. That’s a pretty big thing, but there is some evidence that makes it.. fuzzy. There have only been two other Thinkers who have been in the blue, Partition and Radar. Radar- god, fuck him. Radar had slightly less difficulty than most others, but that was probably him just refusing to admit his brain hurt. Partition’s reaction speed and faster processing seems like the kind of thing that’d let one adjust faster, but that wasn’t the case._

_So it’s either a matter of Thinker powers not working properly in the blue, as with a lot of other types, or it’s those specific powers not being what would work. In the second case, it could mean that I have a power that lets me handle it better. Or, and this is the same as with the first case, it could be something else._

_Most notable is the possibility that it’s based on Riley’s trust in the person, or something like that. She adjusted faster than most because she naturally trusts herself more than most people, and I did faster than her because of how close we are. Or.. Just, okay, moving on. So this is a potential piece of evidence, but also her own relation to her power suggests that it might not be._

_Next on the list then is Radar himself. I haven’t brought it up with Riley in a while, but she apparently didn’t notice the effect of Radar’s power. Knew and was anxious about it, sure, but she didn’t_ feel _it like I did. This one is a bit harder to do analysis of. Looking into it on the forums hasn’t really turned up any useful information, but.. I don’t know, he determined I don’t have powers, and based on what I know of_ his _powers, I somewhat doubt he didn’t notice that I noticed his power. Jesus, that’s a mouthful._

_But yeah, it just.. I don’t know, I can’t really work with this, I guess. If he did sense me sense him and then decided later that I don’t have powers, then that must not be too odd, right? But he might not have sensed it, so like.. It’s a bust, more or less. Another ‘who the fuck knows’. Frustrating._

_So then we have Barb. She said nobody’s ever commented on feeling something, but she also said a lot to disprove the idea that that’s because I’m special. We were in a very.._ intimate _situation, to say the least. Noticing little details like that was very much so not out of the question. And on top of that, it would make sense for that to be why Partition can block her. That said, it’s.. Ugh, it’s another fucking instance of ‘who the fuck knows’, damn it._

 _The biggest piece of evidence against this is that I’m not sure when my trigger event would have been. The Riley and Radar stuff happened before the Dad thing, and I doubt I could have just not noticed somehow for however long. So basically this all suggests that I continue to probably be a powerless piece of shit, desperately clawing for_ some _fucking sign that I can-_

 _Breathe._ I obeyed my own command. _Okay, let’s change the subject. We can address this later, with someone else’s help. Shit, it’ll have to be later later because of David. What’s up with him, anyways? Let’s focus on that for now, that works._

 _So why the fuck would David be unwilling to talk to me during school, but want me to come by_ after _school? It’s got to be something big, right? The obvious conclusion is that he’s finally going to tell me his secrets about his side of the deal. Following that line of thought, though, leads to some freaky possibilities._

_There’s the mundane option of it just being something that will take a while, but that seems unlike him. I’ve spent hours in his office before. I know he wanted me to stop doing that, but it’s still not reasonable to assume he’d just completely avoid the idea when he knows I’d be willing._

_None of the other realistic options are particularly great, though. Maybe he wants to take me somewhere off school grounds, which.. Look, if I_ don’t _have powers, I’d prefer not to get them from someone I trust turning out to be a pedophile. Better to not even give him the option, right? So no going in his car or anything like that._

 _So maybe he just wants to.. I don’t know? Is it some illegal shit? There’s really no reason I can think of that doesn’t paint a bad picture. Other than the mundane one. And.. I mean, if there’s anything I’ve learned in my years of public schooling, it’s that life fucking adores the mundane. Like this shit_ \- I poked the slosh on my tray with a fork - _boring and gross._

_I guess I’ll just have to wait and find out, then, as much as that sucks. Try not to go insane thinking of awful stuff. Hopefully we’ll have enough time to talk about Riley on top of whatever bullshit he has planned._

* * *

If anything good had come of the tension between Riley and I, it was that I didn’t have to worry about explaining what I was going to be up to for the next.. _God, I_ hope _this doesn’t last more than an hour. I know that’s the least awful possibility, but holy shit that sounds like a slog. I have things to do, I need to go for my run and.._ The thought alone sent a wave of exhaustion through me. _Okay, maybe I shouldn’t run today. Probably not best to do that so soon after a psychotic episode, given the forest incident.. I’ve got a lot of ‘incidents’. Whatever._

I entered David’s office, opting not to knock. Some slight display of defiance for earlier, perhaps. He held a finger up to me and then resumed typing something up. I sat in my usual chair and waited impatiently. _You know, just because you wanted to do this big thing, that doesn’t mean you had to turn me away earlier. Like, fuck, I know I was mostly recovered when you were available, but.. Ugh. The help would’ve been nice. Might’ve made coming to do this whole thing more appealing._

“Okay.” He turned to face me and set his hands on his desk, fingers interlocked. “Hello, Quinn.” A very familiar smile crept onto his face, calm and collected.

“Hey,” I grumbled. He breathed in deeply and exhaled with even more force.

“It’s the day.”

“The day?”

“You know which day I mean.”

“I might. I believe I do, but there’s always a chance for you to surprise me.” _Please don’t._

“Oh, I think you’ll be surprised anyways.” A brief moment of pause - eye contact, unblinking. “I’m sure you’ve had your theories about it. About me, and what I’m doing. You mentioned blackmail as a joke the other day, but I have no doubts the thought has crossed your mind.”

“Occasionally.” _‘But it’s actually way worse than that; I’ve murdered your bullies and replaced them with robots!’_

“Well, then I guess I’ll ask you to make a decision. We can either get on with this now, or we can discuss whatever was going on with you earlier first. Sorry about that, by the way. I wish I could prioritize you all the time, but I _do_ have a job to do.”

“Yeah, uh..” _Getting it over with is probably the smarter move, but what if he isn’t able to talk about the Riley stuff after? I really need that right now, I.._ “Let’s wait on it, if that’s okay. I’m dealing with a lot right now and I’d like to get that sorted out before we do this. I’ve been waiting a long time, a few more minutes won’t hurt.”

“Mm, indeed. As you wish, then. Go ahead.” _You’re.. disappointed? No, that’s not it. Something solemn._

“Okay, just um..” I sighed. “I don’t know, I did some really stupid stuff and now Rey’s mad at me. I can’t share what it is, though. I really can’t, I want to talk about it in detail but I.. I have to be vague about it, okay?”

“You know I’ve always been fine with that.”

“Yeah, I guess.” _Why do I feel so uncomfortable? It’s David, he’s cool, we’re chill. Just relax._ Logic, alongside a deep breath, was enough to calm me down this time, thankfully. “Just, I don’t know. I went behind his back on something really big, he asked me to let him handle it and I just thought like.. I don’t know, I should’ve talked with him about it. And I didn’t. And now he hates me.”

“A bond like yours, I highly doubt he _hates_ you. You two have been through a lot.”

“Well, yeah, I don’t know. Not like _hate_ hate, but like.. hate in a meta sense, if that makes sense. Like a.. ludonarrative of hate, maybe. Mm, no, but you get the idea. Holds disdain for me due to aspects of my personality more so than the actions themselves, just how that shit leaks out of who I am all the time, how I’m like.. You know? I’ve said it before, I’m kind of a melodramatic bitch. And I’m like way too full of myself and I don’t really understand empathy, I don’t think?” I sighed.

“Look,” I continued. “I guess I just am kind of sick of myself right now. I’ve been doing all this self destructive bullshit and I’m.. I don’t know if I’m doing it to hold myself back because I feel like I need a challenge, or if it’s a punishment like I’ve been telling myself, or what. I mean, the punishment thing is new. But you know what I mean?”

“I do. Unfortunately, I’ve grown very familiar with this particular set of issues you have. Unfortunate in the sense that I wish they were just passing things, rather than parts of who you really are.”

“Fuck, yeah, I mean. Ow? But also you’re right. You’ve put up with this shit for like two years now, huh? I’m really just.. I don’t know, I’m broken in a whole lot of ways that I haven’t even told _you_ and I should probably be going to like actual therapy or something. That’s just a whole lot of a hassle, and I mean, what the fuck am I supposed to say when they ask like.. I don’t know, just parent shit, it doesn’t work out.

“So I just like, I don’t know. Kind of feeling open today, you’re about to share some big shit with me, might as well share something back. Guessing this is the kind of thing I’m not allowed to tell anyone whatsoever, right?”

“Very much so. You’ve proven yourself to be trustworthy enough.”

“Okay, then I’ll do the same for you. So uh, it’s not official because of the shit I just said, but I’m pretty definitely schizophrenic? For legality reasons, I’m not a threat to myself or anyone else.” _Ahahahahahahaha._

“Oh, huh.” He didn’t seem particularly surprised, which would’ve seemed weird to me if he wasn’t stupidly good at knowing this kind of thing. _Wish you would’ve said something, though. Could’ve avoided at least one building jumping incident._

“But you know, I had like a whole thing where I thought I got powers. Saw lightning in my hands, that sort of thing. And so Rey kind of has just been trusting me less since then? And I guess I started trusting him less too because of that, and.. I don’t know, maybe I should still be mad at him? But he’s kind of going through his own stuff right now.”

“You are too, clearly. If he’s to be granted some sort of immunity, you should grant it to yourself as well.” He tapped his fingers on the desk once, then took a sip of something out of a mug. “Not that I’m saying either of you should be given that. Everyone’s always going through something, that doesn’t mean you can ignore your responsibilities.”

“Mm, yeah.. Well, I guess I just.. mm.. I don’t know if he’s been doing what I’ve been doing. Beating myself up, I guess. Not in the normal way, but like.. As I mentioned, punishments or whatever. Like I slept on the couch last night, alone. Without a blanket.”

“Have you considered how that might be punishing him as well?”

“I’m.. fairly certain he wouldn’t want me around anyways. He didn’t object whatsoever, and.. just, a lot of stuff. It’s complicated, but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have been happy about me being in bed. Would’ve let me, I guess, but.. No, I don’t think he’s upset about it.” He nodded.

“Fair enough.” _There it is again, that not-disappointment. I guess I should cut this short, I got enough of what I need out of it._

“Anyways, we can do your thing now. The secret sharing.” He adjusted in his seat, fighting back a smile. A quick breath calmed him down.

“Sorry, my bad. I’ve been waiting a long time for this, and I think you’re going to be really excited.”

“Well, that’s better than horrified. Or dead.” _Unless you think I’d be excited to be dead? Probably some people in the world who would guess that about me, I’m sure._ He didn’t seem to pay any mind to my joke.

“This may seem unrelated, but it loops around. You sure you’re done? We can continue with the Rey talk.” I nodded. “Alright. It would be very poetic to say that I saw your potential the first time you came into my office. Unfortunately, that would be a lie. It wasn’t until your fourth visit that I realized what you could come to be, and when I decided to step in more than I’m paid to.”

“Mm, yeah, I guess that was around when the tone of our meetings shifted. I just assumed it was because that’s when I started really opening up to you.”

“Ah. Well, as you know, our _arrangement_ didn’t really begin until a short while later. Things were getting worse for you and Rey, and I felt like I should do something about it. So many of the school staff will let that kind of thing sit; that’s always been the case. I think it’s less me talking about how good I am and more how bad the system is when I say that I wish I had someone like me when I was your age.”

“You’ve certainly done a lot more for me than any other adult. Mm, excluding Rey’s parents.” _I wonder how Mrs. Green’s doing. Hope she’s.. okay? I don’t know if that’s right for me to want after what she did, but.. She was pretty great to me for over a decade. I guess she’s not like a monster or anything, right? Just kind of ignorant and a little bit of a bitch. I don’t know._

“I’m very glad you see it that way, even without knowing the details of my work.” He leaned forward a little bit, placing his elbows on the desk and bringing his hands up to his chin. The right one was slightly higher, covering his mouth, and his tone shifted to something far more serious. “As I’ve said, I trust you, but I need to confirm that you understand.. This is not to be discussed with _anyone_ but me, got it? Not Rey, not Vincent, not your girlfriend.”

I looked down a fraction to get a glance of my own hands, wondering if I should do anything with them. _Not like shaking his would be a good idea, given he’s using them. I guess it doesn’t really matter? I just.. I don’t know, I feel so conflicted right now, like.. Ugh, when don’t I feel conflicted? Whatever, it’s fine._ I looked back up at him.

“Understood. Unless you’re murdering people.”

“I assure you I am not.”

“Then understood.”

“Good.” He closed his eyes for a moment, taking in the moment, or preparing for it. Maybe both. “Quinn, you’ve talked a lot about your adoration for capes.” My heart stopped, the air suddenly turning dry against my skin.

“Huh?” It was more an exhale or a grunt than a question, but words were escaping me. Felt more like they’d been forcefully removed from me. _Stroke?_

“I am not one.. but I do have powers.” I swallowed my heart, or the summation of it. “Fighting has never been something I’m all too comfortable with, and I’m not so sure how useful I would even be. There’s two parts to it, really. The first is that I can feel the emotions of those around me. I know that while you’re excited, you’re also scared. I can’t blame you, but I would like to help.”

“Help?” I squeaked. _Why is this freaking me out? Why can’t I breathe? Why the fuck aren’t you telling me the second part-_

 _Mm._ All of the fight suddenly drained out of me before I could even finish the thought. With the momentum killed, a familiar-

“No!” Jumping out of my chair, I grabbed the closest thing to a weapon I could find - a pencil. “Get out of my fucking head!” The level of alarm that overcame David was perfect, a chance to take him off guard. It took everything out of me not to attack him then and there, knowing I needed to focus entirely on counteracting this effect. “Hah, yeah! Not used to people fighting back, huh?” I laughed a bit through gritted teeth.

“Quinn, stop it.” He held his hands up, bargaining. _Trying to manipulating me!_

“Get the fuck away from me!” I took a few steps back, towards the door. _There’s got to be some range to this, I need to run._ A split second to check, to find the knob, to- I froze. Brain and body. Slowly, I turned around and sat down. Not by any control over my will, but.. “Sorry, I was being unreasonable. You’re worth trusting, I was being paranoid.” David swallowed, panting a little under his breath, then covered his mouth again.

“I’m sorry I had to resort to that. You know it’s not what I wanted.” _I do. I almost let my psychosis get the best of me again. It’s so easy to give into my corrupted thoughts. It can be just as easy to follow this new logic. It makes sense, I’ve known him for years._

“I know.” I nodded, delayed. My voice was hallowingly clear in its intent and meaning. On the exact same level as my thoughts. “You’ve been helping me for so long. You’ve used your power on me so many times, right? This isn’t any different.”

“Mm.” He was shaking more than I was, and maybe even more than I had been before he filled me with sense. _Come to think of it, I’m more still than I can ever remember._ “Quinn, I didn’t want this to happen. I’ll be honest, I’m not sure how it did. I.. I guess I’m probably at fault for that.” A pause, perhaps him waiting for a response I didn’t feel the inclination to make. “I’ve been giving you boosts, in a sense, of focus. Enhanced ability to take things in, to observe.

“I suppose I should be explicit in the second part of my power. I not only can sense the feelings of others.. I can alter them. I use this to help calm students down, mostly. Usually casually, over the course of a session. I’m _very_ good at my job.”

“Uhuh,” I mumbled, nodding a little. My mouth hung open a little bit afterwards. I struggled to find the desire to close it, but it remained hidden from me.

“It..” He sighed again, taking his eyes off of me for whatever reason. “It’s emotions and a few other things. As I said, I gave you some boosts. The changes I make last for a few days before I need to refresh them. There’s a reason why my work hasn’t guaranteed you safety from your bullies. I mean, that’s the reason. I can’t get them in consistently, but I’ve been trying to make it more often.

“But.. yes. I’ve done a lot for you, Quinn, and I think you should know why. I’m sure that a few moments ago, you were convinced of some awful things about me. I hope with time you can accept the reality of this. And I hope this doesn’t upset you. Not now, obviously, but later..

“Quinn, you weren’t wrong in thinking our dynamic shifted when you opened up more. Your emotional highs, and admittedly your lows as well, are..” He sighed, once again. “They’re intoxicating. Getting you to come in and rant about whatever has been some of the highlights of the last couple years of my life, honestly. After a while, I felt like I needed to repay the favor. I’ve done so much for you.”

“Thank you.” I blinked a couple times, a little surprised at my own words. _Why, though?_

“There’s so much I feel I should say, but I’m not sure how good of an idea it would be to do it now..” Finally, he looked at me again. Eye contact, though mine were a little out of focus. _“This_ can’t be maintained, obviously. I wouldn’t want to, even if I could. I had no intentions of this.. I know I’ve said that several times now, but I’m hoping you can come to internalize it. I don’t even understand why this had to happen at all. Why you reacted how you did.”

“Was scared. Dumb.”

“Being scared isn’t dumb. You _know_ you aren’t dumb. I think you found me out a moment before I told you, and.. Well, my situation isn’t one that easily lends itself to being _okay._ There’s so many who would use what I have to commit atrocities. I promise you I would never do that to you, or to anyone. I want to help people.”

I nodded. He sighed, slightly more in relief than in sadness.

“You should head home, alright? I’ll see you tomorrow, we’ll work through this. You’ll feel a little out of it for the night, but I’m sure you’ve already done your homework. Not all my doing, so you know. I can only enhance what’s already there.” He smiled at me, though it didn’t reach his eyes. “You have so much potential, and I hope I can continue to help you ascend to it. More so, now that you know. We’ve got a bright future ahead of us, right? You’ll help me get us there?”

“Yeah.” 

“Okay.” He nodded and turned around in his chair. “Go home now, Quinn. Come see me tomorrow.”

“Okay.” I got up and left his office. My mind grew far more hazy without the stimulation of the conversation. Without words to keep my thoughts in check, they began to drift. I walked home.

* * *

_“Hey.”_

_“Huh?”_

_“Hey.”_

_“Hello?”_

_“Hey.”_

_“What? What is it?”_

_“Be mad.”_

_“What?”_

_“Be mad.”_

_“What? Why?”_

_“Be mad at him.”_

_“Who?”_

_“David.”_

_“What? No.”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Why?”_

_“He used you.”_

_“He helped me.”_

_“He’s controlling you.”_

_“For my own good.”_

_“No.”_

_“I was being bad.”_

_“No.”_

_“Yes.”_

_“No.”_

_“Yes, I was.”_

_“No.”_

_“Stop!”_

_“No.”_

_“Stop it!”_

_“Quinn, stop it.”_

_“Get the fuck- No, I..”_

_“Yes.”_

_“No!”_

_“He hurt you. Be mad.”_

_“It’s not like that, he’s-”_

_“It is.”_

_“It’s not, he’s-”_

_“He’s bad.”_

_“He’s not, he’s-!”_

“He’s a monster,” I said out loud. How much time had passed? Riley’s sheets were drenched in sweat - my own. The clock read 5:43 PM. “Oh, fuck.” It all came crashing down, the weight of a dozen suppressed souls finally being set free and screaming with their desires. _‘Kill him!’ ‘Run!’ ‘Fight!’_ Every wish feeling like it may have been the last, their desperation begging to be listened to.

 _Oh my god, it was all him._ I forced my body to stand, nearly falling back over after only a moment. Haze, heat, pressure and- _Nng._ I stabilized with the help of the wall, fighting off the blackout. _Maintain control. You just got it back._ Stumbling through the room, I made my way to the door. The knob - _grab and turn_ \- could not hold me back.

“Food.” Out loud, as if to order myself. Continuing to use the wall for support, I slowly trudged forward. _Step. Step, and another. And another. Food. Just a little, need. Need it. Need it._ Sliding along, scraping at the floor with the heels of my feet. _Please._

 _Alas, the best stories never give the protagonist true reprieve._ The bathroom door slid open on my command. I fell through and dropped to the floor. _It’s all him. He’s why. The blue, the truth sense, the pain. Why I knew. It’s all him. It’s all him, he.._

Crawling to the toilet, gasping for something. Something. _Something, please. Let me be. Let me be something, let it. Let._

Water. So much water. Endless, mixing with that which was already there. Sludge, just a bit. _Just some, right?_ _Any? It needs, it’s.. Where is it? Where.._ Nothing but water, drowning in the contents of my stomach. Two days, nothing. Nothing. _Nothing._ Nothing.

How much was that? Who could say. I lay myself on the floor, grasping my head. Pressure unknowing, the world in my eyes and the heat- _Not again._ The heat resided. Overdone, excessive.

Words on my phone. No idea what they said. I sent them, I needed help. _Please be help._ I sat against the tub. _Is this it? This is it. This is it, I die and I’m nothing. No powers, my own fault. My own fault, ha! My.._

“Oh god.” _Riley. Riley!_ My eyes fluttered open. The light scalded. I coughed, against myself.

“You were right about David.” _Ask for food, get.. get food. Please._ “He’s a Master.”

 _“He_ did this to you?” She rushed over to me, holding back her own urge to vomit.

“No. Kind of, I.. I, he’s. He’s why I- it-” _Blur, my mind a blur. Floating and floating and.._

“I’m- I’m getting you food, be right back.” She left. _Shifted?_ I couldn’t tell. She was back in an instant, a sandwich in hand. She- _Ah, I’m-_ I ate it. _Oh.._ It didn’t save me, it wasn’t enough, but I was present.

“Fuck, I.. Help me up, I’ll.. Couch, and you make.. more?” Wordlessly, she did as I asked. Or maybe not wordlessly. Ringing, hot, in my ears. _Stop the heat, no.. not more, it.._ Food, in front of me. Food, eaten. Nothing in between.

“Feeling better?”

“Yeah,” I lied. Partially, at least. Better, but not _better._

“I..” She held me, fighting herself so as not to squeeze me too hard. _Fragile._ “I thought you were dead, Quinn.” Tears, it sounded. Mine joined hers.

“I’m okay, I.. He’s why I.. um, the..” _Come on, you have energy now. Think, think, please._ “Riley, I’m so scared, I.. I think he, I think I- he was making me better, and I’m not now, I can’t think. I’m- he-” I swallowed down a significant amount of my fear. “He’s why I was special, why I.. your power, and I knew Radar’s truth sense and, and I felt Barb, and.. And homework, and everything. And I think even why I broke out of this so soon, he- he talked about it like.. days. _Days,_ normally. I got hours, I think he.. I think it’s because of him. He’s- I’m like, I.. It’ll be gone without him and I’m.. I’m gone, I’m gone and.. faded, and.. I’m..”

“Quinn.” She coughed. “Guh, sorry.” She pulled back and held my face, looking me in the eyes. I never knew how happy being able to make proper eye contact could make me. Even if it was through wet eyes, at ones more soaked than my own. “Quinn, I promise you, you are more than whatever he did to you. You are more than some creep’s powers, Quinn.”

“I don’t-”

“Well, I do. I _do_ know. You’re amazing, and my best friend, and I’m sorry, and I-” Holding me again, tighter this time around. It was slightly harder to breathe, but I didn’t mind. I held her back this time.

“I’m sorry too, I.. Yeah.” _Thank you for not hating me. For saving my life. For being my life._

“We need.. I hate to do this but I need to take you to the hospital. You need help, and.. and I don’t know how to give it, and I can’t.. I can’t let this happen again.” Some part of me wanted to fight back on the idea, but I was willing to accept. A much larger part of me was horrified of the idea that my compliance was _his_ fault.

“Okay. I.. can I ask you something, though, please?” _Without you changing your mind about me._

“Of course.” She pulled back again and nodded. “Of course.”

“I.. Please don’t do anything about David. I know I said, I.. You asked the same of me with Radar, and I promised, and I fucked you over, and I.. But please, okay? I’m not.. I need to deal with this on my own. I can handle it. This- most of this wasn’t him. I promise, most of this was me, I’ve been being stupid. He just.. I can explain more on the way, okay?”

“Quinn..” She made a face filled with a half dozen conflicting emotions. “Okay.” Resignation and guilt were the final destinations for her expression. “Okay.”


	6. Alter Interlude - Andy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm happy to announce the first ever instance of 'Fade Your Eyes' in Fade! Those of you who have read Turn Your Eyes by OldAmsterdam know already that we've connected our two stories in some loose ways. If you haven't read it, please go do that, because it's very very good. Also, thanks for getting this far in Fade! Hope you enjoy the chapter <3

_ ‘click this for a goo d time ;)’ _

_ ‘10 Crazy Things Alexandria Fans Have Done!! And many more articles on Swistogr...’ _

_ ‘hey boony i’m p sure blares jealous of you: details inside’ _

_ ‘how to get rid of spam emails’ _

_ ‘Hospital Tech’ _

There, something that wasn’t completely stupid. Andy wasn’t even sure how spam was an issue for what amounted to the Junior Government. He suspected Rue was involved, given how many stupid emails he got from her alone. It took only a few moments to comb through and find something worthwhile, but that was time that could’ve been better spent. Though, there he was again, wasting time thinking about this. He got to reading.

_ ‘Dear Boon, _

_ Your tech has done a lot for us, saving the lives of dozens of ER patients in the last year alone. I doubt I need to sing your praises much more than that, as I’m sure you know full well the impact you’ve had. _

_ What you may not know is the repercussions of this technology, or the limitations that have been put on it. I think you deserve the full truth, regardless of what my bosses think is worth sharing. _

_ Your tech has the potential to become highly addicting, and as such it’s been restricted to just the most extreme of cases. I have watched people come in and be deemed not in enough danger to warrant use of your-’ _

He closed out of the window. Whoever this was, they were the fourth -  _ fifth? _ \- person to send something like that. He didn’t even want to imagine how many times his higher ups had gotten this kind of thing. What did they expect him to do? It was a known issue, he’d been briefed on it when the idea of his tech being used for the general public was first brought up. Whether it be built in addiction, in the case of someone like Brewer, or just the inevitable result of feeling inhuman euphoria.. He’d known all along that he wouldn’t be able to save everyone.

Frustrated and unsatisfied with his online mail, he decided to give the physical a shot. It was pretty rare that he’d willingly do something that couldn’t easily allow him to continue tinkering, but this wasn’t a usual day. He sifted through the bundle of fan mail, picking which was worth reading.

It killed him to leave some of it unattended to, but he had more important things to focus on.  _ I really shouldn’t even be doing this, as little as it is. _ He decided on two letters out of the seven or so: one with a big  **‘IMPORTANT’** printed on it, and another which had just caught his attention with a visually striking red envelope. He started with the latter.

_ ‘Hey, love your work, very huge fan! You’re kind of an inspiration to me, in some ways. Super awesome, you’re like a rock star. I just wanted to let you know, since I know the cape life is rough and unforgiving, that you’re doing some real great work out there. Keep it up! Can’t wait to see you in person. Might be a little bit, so be sure to use the extra time to train up. ;) _

_ Your dearest friend, P’ _

_ Uh.. huh. That was vaguely threatening. _ As with anything that seemed a bit off, he looked into it. The P was very definitely a P and not an R, but it wasn’t like Rue was bound to any rules. Especially not ones as stupid as that. There was no return address, and.. nothing on the envelope at all, he now realized. Not even a stamp. Even more evidence to suggest that Rue was trying to take his focus away from important things. He’d deal with it later.

The other envelope  _ did _ have all the usual markings. The return address was from the poorer side of town. He carefully opened it up and pulled out a simple birthday card.  _ You’re four months off, guy. _ When he unfolded it, something slid out onto his lap. Cash,  _ lots _ of it. At least a few hundreds stuck out to him. After a moment to recover, he read the note. A kid’s handwriting.

_ ‘To: boon _

_ From: taylor _

_ hi you are awesome _

_ thank you for helping the world and me and mom and dad.’ _

Beneath it was a longer, better-written message.

_ ‘You probably hear this kind of thing all the time, but you saved our son’s life. We can’t ever repay you, but hopefully this can let you know how thankful we are. Whatever you get paid, it isn’t enough, so have a little extra. For all the Taylors in the world, and their parents,  _ _ thank you. _ _ ’ _

He set the card on a table carefully and inspected the money. Nearly a thousand. Nearly a  _ thousand, _ after whatever medical costs they had to pay. Where they’d sent the letter from only served to make him feel even more sick. He didn’t deserve this. Parents were always so tunnel visioned, seeing their kid’s experience as a universal one.  _ Your kid becomes your world, so you miss all of the billions of people who aren’t given even the  _ opportunity _ to live. _

Once again, he didn’t have time to dwell on this, but..  _ What am I supposed to do with this money? If this is to be given to anyone, why not the surgeons who stopped my tech from  _ destroying _ your son? How did this even get through the vetting process - don’t the PRT deal with this kind of thing? I didn’t do anything to earn your adoration. Why not give this to the people who need it to get out of the ER alive? But what am I to do, donate this to the hospital under the name of like.. whoever comes in and needs it? That’s stupid. _

He began working again, keeping the money nearby.  _ The Marshals’ Tinker could have more than doubled my productivity. Maybe even tripled or quadrupled it. There’s obviously the limit of how many are qualified to work with my tech, but we could have  _ hit _ that limit rather than staring at it with stupid, selfish eyes. _

_ It’s not like I’m any better. Okay, no, I’m better than her, but I’m not  _ that _ much better. I could be doing so much more if I was focused on the job rather than distracting myself with stupid things. ‘Give something your all or don’t give it at all.’ _ He paused for a very brief moment, having hit a sore spot. Rather than dwell on it, he finally let himself get lost in his work again. He’d mourned his mother long enough; he might as well try to live up to her wishes.

The current goal, one he’d been tackling for a very long time, was trying to find a way to minimize the speed at which people regenerated under the effects of his tech. Mass-production would only be one half of the puzzle; it needed to be viable for anyone to use it, not just those who had access to specialized individuals.

If some people got addicted to the euphoria it offered, that’d be unfortunate, but it wouldn’t be much of an issue once the stuff was free. Close to it, at least. Better to be addicted to a hybrid of coffee and steroids without serious downsides than any other drug. As long as they didn’t plan on jumping in front of a car, it wouldn’t be an issue. Even if, at least they’d survive it.. but some things were worse than death.

He considered what it must have felt like for everyone else but him. There was practically no reason to not constantly pump himself full of it; he could barely even remember what it felt like to be ‘sober’. Even remotely thinking of his non-enhanced state as the default was bizarre at this point.

That said, his experience was different from the rest. Inherently so. It was built  _ around _ him, after all. He’d never need outside help to get back to his physical default. He’d never have to deal with the excruciating pain of having your bones broken  _ again _ just to accommodate the faulty regeneration. Sure, it didn’t happen often, and it was better than death, but that was a very low bar.

If he could just get rid of the late stage regeneration while keeping the initial burst of steroids, he could make something that would work for the general public. Something that would keep people alive long enough to get them to the hospital, without the potential for giving devastating trauma to those who didn’t need the super healing. Maybe it wasn’t possible, but he had to try. For everyone’s sake, he had to try.

* * *

“Boon,” Radar said, shaking the Tinker out of his haze. He didn’t need a response, just to make sure attention was being given. “You will be outfitting everyone present with at least two of your devices. We can discuss the specifics on that later, but in general you should expect some heavy bursts of damage, courtesy of Forge.”

“Yes, sir.” None of this was anything he hadn’t heard before, but it wouldn’t do to ignore someone as influential as Radar. Especially not when that person had the powerset he did.

“As always, you’ll be mostly spending your time managing the rest of the Wards: Specter Shy, Shift, and Partition. You’ve been doing a great job, so keep it up.”

“Yes, sir.” He looked over at his teammates, lingering on Partition. Nothing Radar did made him more uncomfortable than acting like he was  _ managing _ his co-leader. As far as Andy knew, he’d never been on the bad side of the truth sense, but even that would’ve felt less awful. Partition began to turn in his direction, so he quickly went back to tinkering.

“Shift, you may be wondering why you’re going to be apart of this raid.” She nodded meekly in the corner of his vision. “We typically avoid involving someone as new as you in such a high risk job, but your power has offered us a solution to the biggest wall we’ve faced in our aims to take the Red Iron down. With you available to transport Meteor Maid and Blare, we should be able to take the turrets out of the pictures before the first strike is delivered.

“You will be needed to deploy Blare tech to the third external turret, but you are to come down from the roof with your passengers as soon as you’re back off cooldown. You and Meteor Maid will be leaving the field altogether, but you’ll need to wait until Blare is in position to cancel your effect. After that you will be expected to standby with comms on in case anyone needs support. Understood?”

“Yeah,” she confirmed.  _ How much of that are you actually going to remember? _

“Specter Shy.” She nodded in response. “The instant the turrets are down, you and Trojan will head into the building with intent to shut down Stroke as quickly as possible. As always, you are to avoid Failsafe as best you can. The rest of us - Boon, Partition, Sudsmission, and I - will take a more direct route. Once Trojan has Stroke under control, you are to bring her to the main group to be bubbled.

“Because of the nature of her power, you will have to keep her from the rest of the group so Trojan can take out the unknown factor, Iron Willy. This is my official reminder to everyone that we  _ do not know _ his power, and thus should be  _ extremely cautious. _ The last thing we need is to find out he’s been hiding an A-Class threat in his back pocket, so it’s important that we do not engage until Trojan has him dealt with.” Everyone agreed with varying levels of enthusiasm.

“Now,” he continued, “we should address the Chimera issue. As many of you know from first hand experience, Chimera has shown up to help with Red Iron fights more than any other conflict. Whether this is from some personal bias, or due to an employer’s instruction, it is a clear pattern. As such, we should think of this as a matter of  _ when _ he will show up, rather than  _ if. _

“Previous appearances would suggest that he does not know of these fights ahead of time, but that he is aware of when they are occurring and is willing to drop anything to participate. Response time tends to be within one to five minutes, usually leaning towards the shorter end.

“The only ones here who should not keep their distance from Chimera are Trojan, Blare, Boon, and Partition. Everyone else is to immediately retreat to another part of the building. We need to keep in mind that while he has helped maintain some peace, this is still at  _ best _ a very dangerous vigilante who has proven unwilling to communicate with other heroes. At worst, he’s a powerful villain with potentially even deadlier tricks up his sleeve than what we already know about - which are  _ already _ potently lethal, I’ll remind you. Any questions so far?”

“Uh,” Shift squeaked. She didn’t follow up, leaving an uncomfortable pause hanging in the air.

“Yes, Shift?”

“Well, um.. Maybe if I brought you and Chimera into my power at the same time, you could talk with him?”

“That would require you getting within close proximity of an unpredictable monster with  _ several _ known powers which increase in potency at close range. In the middle of a battle, no less, where tensions would be very high. No, it’s not an option. Anyone else?”

Andy tuned out of the conversation at that point, doing a quick inspection of his teammates before he got back to work. Shift seemed a bit dejected after having her idea immediately shut down, but she’d get over it. Shy, when she popped into vision, was idly watching him. She waved, twirling her fingers in a circle.  _ Uhhh. _ He smiled awkwardly and moved on to Partition.

He was paying far more attention to the matter at hand than Andy was. By all accounts, he should have been the leader. The real one, not just some backup. Andy had tried to get the others to see it as more of a two man partnership, but that hadn’t taken off. Even that would’ve been doing the guy a disservice. His work ethic was  _ insane, _ and his powerset was far more catered to the job.

It was impossible not to wonder, now and again, if the decision to make things how they were was because of..  _ certain _ aspects of who they were. Partition wasn’t even two months younger than him, so that definitely wasn’t a factor. Physique, strategic intelligence, basically  _ everything _ about him was better. The only reason that made sense, then, was that it was a race thing.

It wasn’t particularly easy to hold the weight of his genocidal ancestors on his shoulders - he’d struggled with the thought since he was a kid. There was always this discomfort that came with being around people of other races, which was something in itself that he’d worried about. He’d assured himself it wasn’t because he was racist, just that he felt like  _ they _ thought he was racist. But then he’d felt bad about that too, because wasn’t that just a slightly less awful way of generalizing them? It all amounted to an uncomfortable guilt, one which only served to worsen the issue.

The only reason he hadn’t given up his role as the head of the team was because..  _ What, even? Why do I do this?  _ So caught up in the insistence of responsibility, he couldn’t even remember the idea’s source. After going through a messy, jumbled list, he found what was either the original reason or a suitable replacement.  _ Because at this point there’s only so much time left for me on the team, and if I stepped down now it would cause unnecessary distress. _ It wasn’t a very satisfying conclusion, but it’d have to do for the time being.

While Radar went off about safety methods regarding Magister, Andy tried to drown out his thoughts with Tinkering. If he could just get this  _ one _ thing to work, it would all be worth it. Maybe later he could worry about those other things. Why was there so little time to do anything? There was nothing to do about it but constantly rush to the next objective,  _ constantly _ be working in overdrive.

But with all the time spent trying to satisfy every need, he so frequently found himself with too little energy to do what he had to. His tech had helped a lot, doubling his productivity per hour and increasing the amount of time he could stay awake, but it wasn’t enough. No matter what, there would always be a human element to it; a crucial yet fatal flaw in the way people had to exist. There was never going to be enough of one’s life to satisfy everything they had to do.

By the time the meeting had ended, the Tinker project he’d been working on was completed. It didn’t do what he’d wanted it to, but it was closer. Normally any amount of progress would be satisfying with the knowledge that it would add up, but this kind of thing didn’t seem to work like that. Maybe it was just him, but inspirations tended to come out of nowhere. It was fairly difficult to actually  _ build towards _ anything, which went against.. basically everything he knew.

He was the last of the Wards to leave the room, more because he was focused on the finishing touches of his newest creation than to stick around in case he was needed. It worked out that way, at least, and as such was a decent excuse. Not one which needed to be used at the moment, but maybe it would come up later. On his way back to his room, he saw Partition standing in the way, reading through some papers.

“Partition?” He was at attention before the word had even finished coming out.

“Yes, hi.” There was no sign of him seeing anything wrong with the situation.

“Uh, you’re blocking the door.”

“Oh, my bad, we can go inside.”  _ We? _ He stepped aside and motioned for Andy to enter.

“What’s up..?”

“Mm?” He processed the information a fraction of a second later, cutting off the sound of his own pondering. “Ah, no, I thought you wanted to talk.”

“Me? No, I..”  _ This is a waste of time, get to the point.  _ “I mean, not necessarily now, specifically. It’s something I’ve thought about on and off for a long time. Seems I was just being a bit more overt in what my thoughts were about this time, sorry. You can go back to whatever you were doing, or..” He didn’t budge. “Or we can do this now, okay.”

“If you don’t mind.” He looked into Partition’s eyes to try to determine how much this mattered to him, but couldn’t get a good read.  _ Do I have anything better to do? It would probably be best to just get this over with. _

“Guh, no, I guess I’m free.”

“Alright. Your room?”

“Yeah.” They went into his weird cave - the mess of spare parts being far more concerning when there were actual people present. “Sorry about the stuff, I don’t sleep here so I just leave it usually.”

“It’s no skin off my back.”

“Right, okay..” He shoved some junk out of the way of the bed to give somewhere to sit. “Here good?”

“I’ll stand.”  _ What? Uh.. Crap. I mean, it’s weird if I’m sitting and he’s not, but it’s weird if I did this and then.. _

“You sure?”  _ Come on, dude. _

“Mhm.”  _ Crap. Okay. _ He sat there, awkwardly looking up at his teammate.

“Okay, just.. I respect you a lot.” Partition raised an eyebrow. “As a leader, I mean. And a person. It’s always been clear to me that you’ve got things pretty well figured out. Far better than I do, at least.”

“Where is this going, Boon?” He spoke just a little more quietly, hushing himself for some reason.  _ What? What did I- _

“Oh, no, uh, I.. No, I’m not.. Wow, that makes this all even worse - uh, the thing I’m wanting to talk about. You’re- I mean, it’s very okay that you’re.. uh..” He gave off a slightly amused smile.

“I know you’re not gay, it’s fine. This just seems serious, I’m wanting to pay you the proper respect. I’m well aware that you aren’t coming onto me.”  _ Right. Crap. _

“Um. Okay, yeah. Sorry, uh..”  _ Okay, just move on, stop wasting time. _ “I guess I’ve just been thinking that maybe you’re like.. Maybe there’s more reason to why you’re seen as a backup leader than just because of our age. Like.. because you’re..” He tensed up, internally grimacing, embarrassed that after so long of imagining this talk he still hadn’t figured out how to say it.

“Because I’m black?” Was there any sign of aggression in his voice? Had this been messed up from the start?

“Um. Yes? And.. gay, since you mentioned it.”

“Probably.” He didn’t seem to care.

“Well.. that’s not okay, right?”

“A lot of things aren’t okay.”

“I mean, yes, but isn’t that  _ very _ not okay?” Andy hesitated, a little shocked at his own emotion.

“Sure, but so are a lot of things.” It was hard not to feel like he was being looked down on, especially given that he was quite literally being looked down on. Apparently sensing that, Partition sat down next to him. Not close enough to make things weird, thankfully. “Look, I get that this is important to you. It is to me too, but I’ve had the time to come to terms with these things. The world isn’t balanced, even after all of the time and effort put into trying to fix it. The lives that have gone into it.

“What that means is that sometimes there’s going to be situations like this, where you can’t really be sure what’s going on behind the scenes, but it feels  _ off _ to you. When you grow up with this feeling, you get used to it. You learn when you can do something about it, and when you can’t. It never stops being hard, but it becomes more manageable.

“So you see a case where the leaders of the Protectorate and Wards are both white guys, where their backups are a woman and a black man, and you wonder. That’s normal. Good, even; it’s good to be aware of these things, whoever you are.

“You have to know your reasonable limits, though. Whether you’re on your side or mine, you need to ask yourself if there’s anything you can do. More importantly, you need to ask if it will change anything. Sure, maybe you get them to consider the problem at hand, and maybe the leaders get changed, but what have you really done?

“If you only focus on the  _ symptoms  _ of the issues with our world, you’ll never solve the cause of those issues. Don’t get me wrong, doing that is going to take a lot more work than any one person can do, but still. It’s important that you speak up in the more egregious cases, but sometimes you just have to let it go. It’s not a good feeling, but your time is going to be better spent working on the root of the issue than trying to cut off each of the hydra’s heads, you know?”

“That, uh..” Andy took a moment to process the ridiculous load of wisdom he’d just been handed. “Wow. I’m not sure you’ve ever said that much to me in all our past talks combined?”

“I like to save my words for when they matter.”

“Yeah.”  _ I guess I can relate to that. _

“I get the feeling, though, that this doesn’t address all of why you’ve been worried about our positions on the team. Not to be rude, but you don’t seem the type to pick up on racial imbalances very often.”

“Ah, uh-”

“Not out of any intentionality, or even that specifically. You just have never seemed all too adept at picking up certain aspects of social and societal complexities.”

“I..” He sighed. “I mean, maybe you’re right? You didn’t have to tear me apart, though.”

“That wasn’t my goal. You’ve got your own world you live in, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I think it’s a requirement to being an effective Tinker, and you are a very effective Tinker. I don’t know of anyone else who puts in the hours you do. So I don’t think it’s anything to feel bad about.”

“Huh, uh..”  _ So I’m bad at another thing I didn’t even realize. _ “Look, I’m not as good at what I do as you seem to think.”

“Mm.” He seemed to turn the idea around in his brain for a moment longer than usual before saying more. “Is that what you wanted to talk about next?”

“Huh? No, I don’t really have anything else to say.”

“We don’t have to discuss it if you don’t want, but I just explained why I’m thinking there’s more behind your concerns than what you’ve said.”  _ What are you, a therapist?  _ “If you want to leave that to yourself, though, I understand. Just know that I’m available.”

“I..”  _ Do I  _ need _ a therapist? It’s probably not good that I’m so closed off. Therapy’s a lot of time I don’t have, and it also takes a lot from another person, so.. _ “Okay. I’ve never done this kind of thing, so excuse me if it’s.. rough.”

“Take your time.”  _ No thanks. _

“Okay. Well, as I was saying at the beginning, I respect you a lot. And honestly, I think you’re a better leader than I am?” He paused to take in the reaction. He searched for any evidence that this had all been a prank; that his best option was to back down before he embarrassed himself any further. All signs pointed to that not being the case. Better safe than sorry, though. “This is.. genuine, yeah? The last guy I tried to open up to used it against me for months.”

“I’m not going to hurt you. Anything here stays between us.” Boon sighed. It wasn’t reasonable to cut the idea off completely after one dumb mistake. He’d try it once more, and if it didn’t work out he’d never do it again, like his original plan. Just this once.

“I think you’re better at all of this than I am. Better with the team in all ways, really. On the field, emotional support, just.. being a decent friend? I mean, it’s pretty clear from this alone that you’re a lot better at this than I am. I bet you’ve had deep talks like this with most of the team at this point, and yet you’re the first person I’ve ever even considered the idea with. I know our team, but I don’t  _ know _ our team. You know?”

“Have you considered that an easy solution would be to be friendlier with the team?”

“For that part, sure, but it’s so much more than that. Effectiveness on the field is a huge part of this. I just run around and keep people topped off, I don’t  _ do _ anything. You’ve always managed to be a great leader at the same time as countering the biggest threat. And, you know, the reason I spend all this time on stuff? Tinkering and managing whatever? It’s not like work ethic or anything, I’m just  _ really _ bad at everything. I have to go overdrive just to keep up with everyone else.”

“I don’t think that’s true at all, you’re incredibly efficient. The only reason you might be seeing a decrease in your abilities is because it’s clear you’re probably  _ overworking _ yourself. You need to take some time for yourself, you know? You never just exist in the moment, and I think it’s probably fairly damaging. And I mean, I spent all of last fight just keeping one Marshal on lockdown, I don’t think you’re doing less than that.”

“Ah.”  _ Of course he doesn’t get it. Why would he? It’s not like I’ve explained, it’s.. Am I going to explain it? Can I? He’s been good so far.. _ “I.. haven’t had this since Mom. Someone to talk to.”

“Mm, I’m sorry to hear that. Both for the loss and that you’ve gone so long without support.”

“Thanks, I don’t know. I’ve been fine mostly. It was hard, but I’ve been dealing, and.. it’s inspired me, I guess, to keep going. She- I triggered off of it.” Emotions that he wasn’t willing to share started welling up, so he changed the focus a bit. “Sorry, anyways. I give it my all because I don’t want people to have to go through what I did. And I don’t need the sleep, anyways, my tech makes only three hours necessary. If I have the time, I’m going to put it to use.”

“You say that, but it seems to me like you could use a few more hours of sleep. Or maybe not, but you at least need some sort of relaxation in your life. If you don’t take a moment to breathe every now and again, to take a break from the constant work, you’re going to start sacrificing quality.

“Look back at how much you were doing last year, see how much more you’ve picked up since then. I don’t know the specifics, but you’re undeniably looking a lot more drained these days. Maybe you started doing more because you wanted to increase your productivity, and then you saw declines in the quality of your work and added more to compensate. If you kept up like that, eventually you’d reach a burnout, and then nothing would get done.”

“Ah.”  _ I guess I was making better stuff last year.. _

“It’d be a shame to see someone as gifted as you let your skills go to waste. And maybe, if you’d like, I can help you reach out to the others.” He stood up. “Just because you’ve got your own world doesn’t mean you can’t come visit the rest of us.” He held his hand out. It was a very sturdy hand, which was fairly remarkable given how his power must have impacted any form of working out. Andy took it and stopped thinking about the lengths to which his co-leader would have to go to maintain his toned body.

“Yeah, I can try.” He let go of the hand a bit later than intended, and tensed up. “Uh. Not now, though. I need to, uh.. Tinkering, got a thing that I’m real close to done with, need to, uh..”

“It’s chill, I get it.” With that, Partition headed to the door and opened it, seemingly unphased. “I’ll be in my room if you need me.”

“Okay, see you dude.” The door shut, and Andy exhaled a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.  _ Crap, what if he thinks I’m gay now? I mean, we just did that and he says he knows, but I didn’t ever actually say.. Augh, I don’t have time for this. _ He didn’t have anything he was in the middle of, the tinkering excuse being  _ just _ an excuse. With this moment of uncertainty, he had the opportunity to disrupt the constant flow of work and just spend some time to himself.

He’d take a nap, he decided, and then try again at the reduced healing tech. Maybe it would come to him in a dream.

* * *

_ ‘Hey, love your work, very huge fan! You’re kind of an inspiration to me, in some ways. Super awesome, you’re like a rock star. I just wanted to let you know, since I know the cape life is rough and unforgiving, that you’re doing some real great work out there. Keep it up! Can’t wait to see you in person. Might be a little bit, so be sure to use the extra time to train up. ;) _

_ Your dearest friend, P’ _

“I’m done!” The girl teleported into a standing position, then once again over to her partner to give him the letter. He read through it in a few moments, then handed it back. “It’s the last of the bunch, what do you think?”

“The same as I said last time you asked me.” He tilted his head down just a touch, then lifted hers up with a hand. “It’s unnecessary, but it should be sufficient for your purposes.” He bent down just a slight bit, hovering in front of her face. “I’m sure you’ll have the city talking in no time.” He kissed her, and she giggled against his lips. After a moment of indulgence, he pulled back and she teleported away to her corner of the room.

Maybe it would be a few months before they arrived, but there was no reason not to get things sorted out ahead of time. Once they finished up their work in Portland, their name would surely have spread far enough to get some recognition. People would no doubt come to fear the names of their new gods.


End file.
